~)eni&orii ^Royalty 'Playi ( f£y 





by 
Frederick Q.Johnson 



HT.S. Tfenteon & Company 

^Publhhen • Chicago 

Vrice SO CenU 





y/ikv 




Plays for Schools and Colleges 

AARON BOGQS, FRESHMAN 

By Walter Ben Hare. Comedy in 3 acts; 8 males, 8 
females. Time, 2% hours. Price, 35 Cents, 

AFTER THE GAME 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 2 acts; 1 male, 9 
females. Time, 1% hours. Price, 25 Cents. 

ALL A MISTAKE ~ 

By W. C. Parker. Farce-comedy in 3 acts; 4 males, 4 
females. Time, 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

ALL ON ACCOUNT OF POLLY 

By Harry L. Newton. Comedy in 3 acts; 6 males, 10 
females. Time, 2% hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

AS A WOMAN THINKETH 

By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Comedy in 3 acts; 9 males, 

7 females. Time, 2% hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 6 males, 14 fe- 
males. Time, 2 1 / 4r hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

THE CLASS SHIP 

By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Commencement play- 
let; 3 males, 8 females. Time, 35 minutes. 

" ""' ^_ Price, 25 Cents. 

CLUBBING A HUSBAND 

By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Comedy in 3 acts: 12 fe- 
males. Time, 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

A COLLEGE TOWN* 

By Walter Ben Hare. Farce-comedy in 3 acts; 9 males, 

8 females. Time, 2% hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

THE DEACON ENTANGLED ~~ 

By Harry Osborne. Comedy in 3 acts; 6 males, 4 fe- 
males. Time, 2 hours. ~ Price, 35 Cents. 

AN EARLY BIRD "~~ 1 ~ 

By Walter B. Hare. Comedy in 3 acts; 7 males, 7 fe- 
males. Time, 2%. hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

THE FIFTEENTH OF JANUARY 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 11 males, 10 
females. Time, 2*4 hours. Price, ^5 Cents. 

THE GRADUATE'S CHOICE 

By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Commencement plaj'let; 12 
females. Time, 35 minutes. Price, 25 Cents. 

TVS. Denison & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



MARY'S MILLIONS 



OCT '8 1920 



MARY'S MILLIONS 

A Comedy in Three Acts 



BY 

Frederick G. Johnson 

AUTHOR OF 

"At Harmony Junction,'' "The Battle of Rollin' Bones," 

"Foiled, By Heck!" "Gimme Them Papers!" "Good 

Morning, Teacher, " "It Might Happen, " "The 

School of Detecting, " "Such Ignorance, " 

"The Press Agent's Handbook, " etc. 



"A Laugh's the Wisest, Easiest Answer to All 
That's Queer." -Moby Dick 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 
Publishers 



PS3519 
1920 



(Please Read Carefully^ 




HE PROFESSIONAL STAGE-RIGHTS 
in this play are strictly reserved and all 
applications for its use should be addressed 
to the publishers. Amateurs may obtain 
fj permission to produce it on payment of a 
::ee of fifteen dollars ($15.00) for each perform- 
ance, in advance. Correspondence on this subject 
should be addressed to T. S. Denison & Company, 
154 W. Randolph St., Chicago, 111. 

^> -^> "^> 

c/lttention is called to the penalties provided 
by the Copyright Law of the United States of 
America in force July 1, 1909, for any infringe- 
ment of the owner's rights, as follows : 

SEC. 28. That any person who willfully and for profit 
shall infringe any copyright secured by this Act, or who 
shall knowingly and willfully aid or abet such infringement, 
shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon convic- 
tion thereof shall be punished by imprisonment for not 
exceeding one year or by a fine of not less than one hundred 
dollars nor more than one thousand dollars, or both, in the 
discretion of the court. 

<^> -v> ^> 

COPYRIGHT, 1920, BY FREDERICK G. JOHNSON 

GALL RIGHTS RESERVED 



CJ.D 55729 



MARY'S MILLIONS 

CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY. 

Men. 

Jack Henderson • 

A Civil Engineer for the Consolidated Air Line. 
Jimmie Barnes 

His Friend from New York, Who Deals in Stocks and 
Hearts. 

Ezra Stoneham 

Mary's Uncle and Guardian; Storekeeper and Post- 
master. 

Abija Boggs 

A Human Flivver ; He Can Do Anything. 
Count Victor De Seeees 

Another Reason for a Protective Tariff. 

Women. 
Mrs. Jane Stoneham 

Ezra's Better Half, Who Has Ambitions. 
Eudora Smith 

The Stonehams' Hired Gal. 
Countess Loea De Seeees 

The Right Kind of a Sister for Victor. 
Mrs. Amanda Mudge 

Wedded to Her Ouija Board. 
Betty Bareowe 

The School Teacher at Rocky Hollozv. 
Mary Manners 

A Ward of the Stonehams, and an Heiress to Millions. 
Members of the Choir 

Place — Rocky Hollow, a New England Village. 

Time — The Present. 
5 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 



Time of Playing — About Two and One-quarter 

Hours. 



Synopsis of Scenes. 

Act I. Inside the Rocky Hollow Post Office and 
General Store. 

Act II. The Strawberry Festival on the Village 
Green. That evening. 

Act III. Same as Act I. Two days later. 



CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES. 

Jack — Aged 25. Country raised and college bred. 
He makes no effort to conceal his rural origin. And 
his speech and manner both reveal his natural rug- 
gedness. Honest and straightforward, assertive in 
everything but his love affair with Mary. Flannel 
shirt, open at the neck ; khaki breeches or corduroys ; 
high laced boots ; old felt hat, for Act I. White 
flannel trousers, dark blue jacket and Panama hat, 
for Act II. Optional for Act III. 

Jimmie — Aged 25. A breezy, slangy, happy-go- 
lucky "city" type; sometimes irresponsible, and 
always looking on the lighter side of life, but essen- 
tially a fine young fellow, and a faithful friend. Out- 
ing suit of mixed goods (or with knickerbockers and 
golf stockings if preferred), quiet plaid cap, low 
shoes and silk socks, for Act I. White serge or Palm 
Beach suit (or similar costume to Jack's), with stiff 
straw hat, for Act II. Any informal suit for Act 
III. 

Ezra — Aged 50. Tall, gaunt, stoop-shouldered, 
of sour disposition, and totally bereft of spunk until 
his self-emancipation in Act III. Wrinkled, ill-fit- 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 



ting clothing, and dingy shoes ; generally appears 
without his coat. Is afflicted with a high collar and 
an ancient Prince Albert coat in Act II. Pale make- 
up ; spectacles. 

Abu a — Aged 60. Old in wisdom, but young in 
spirits ; he generally conceals his shrewdness beneath 
a self-assumed rustic stupidity, because he enjoys 
laughing and being laughed at. The character should 
be played in such a manner that its strength gradu- 
ally and consistently develops, reaching a winning 
climax in the final act. His affection for Eudora is 
something that is understood rather than expressed. 
He is always kindly and lovable, even when he strives 
to be fierce. The part affords limitless opportunity 
for the skilled and sympathetic character actor. His 
costume throughout the play includes an old, faded 
denim shirt, with the cuffs rolled back; an old vest, 
only partially buttoned, so that he can easily turn it 
back to reveal the badge which is pinned inside ; 
patched trousers, tucked into cow-hide boots ; slouch 
hat. Hale and hearty make-up, with few wrinkles ; 
semi-bald or gray wig; smooth-shaven or short gray 
goatee. 

Victor — Aged 35. A hot-house product. Gen- 
erally bored, and when in action, too effusive to be 
sincere. Generally looking to Lola for instructions 
as to his next move. Incapable of thinking or acting 
independently. Wears cutaway coat, striped trous- 
ers, patent leather shoes, gray spats, silk hat, for 
Act I. Always carries a cane, and wears a flower on 
his lapel. Evening clothes for Act II. Same, dirty 
and bedraggled, for Act III. Short mustache and 
goatee. 

Jane — Aged 45. Her effusive manner fails to con- 



8 MARY'S MILLIONS. 



ceal the egotism, selfish ambition and grasping nature 
which actuate her in everything she does. She is 
fond of assuming a dignified and cultured bearing 
which is anything but natural. Thin lips and a deter- 
mined jaw betray the heartlessness which expresses 
itself in her treatment of Mary, and her abuse of her 
too-patient husband. Her costumes are a trifle ex- 
treme, and not in the best taste. Details optional. 

Eudora — Aged 35. A rural spinster whose life 
has not been happy enough to keep her from being 
sarcastic and suspicious. But her tartness is semi- 
artificial, and everyone likes her for her quickness of 
wit and goodness of heart. She is neither handsome 
nor homely. As the head of a household, she has 
possibilities. Properly played, the character will 
have a vague touch of wist fulness that is felt rather 
than noticed. Hair combed straight back and knot- 
ted. Plain gingham dress, for Acts I and III. Gala 
costume, country style, for Act II. 

Lola — Aged 28. Her beauty is of the type that 
is dashing rather than ingenuous. Winning but 
worldly, her appeal to the eye does not win the heart. 
She is suave and resourceful, but she is a bit too 
smooth to be wholly genuine. Handsome travel cos- 
tume, with vanity case and parasol, for Act I. Stun- 
ning evening gown for Act II. An informal costume 
for Act III. 

Mrs. Mudge — Aged 40. A well-meaning, moth- 
erly soul, who has recently become addicted to spirits 
of the ouija variety. She expects all others to share 
her fervor, and is riding her hobby to the speed limit. 
This has made her so self-centered that she is rather 
difficult to endure. Black silk dress, and bonnet 
trimmed with jet, throughout the play. 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 



Betty — Aged £2. She has plenty of good com- 
mon sense, but she hasn't quite outgrown being a 
youngster, and the result is pleasing and attractive. 
Simple but fetching summer dresses for Acts I and 
III. Conservative evening dress with a bright col- 
ored scarf, or entire Romany costume, for Act II. 

Mary — Aged 20. Irresistibly winsome, but al- 
ways struggling against her natural inclination to- 
ward Jack because of the feeling that she must obey 
her aunt in all things, which Jane has been drilling 
into her for years. This conflict between her own 
impulses and her aunt's domination must be clearly 
registered, in order to create the complete sympathy 
which is essential. Summer traveling suit for Act I. 
Evening gown for Act II. Dainty informal summer 
frock for Act III. 

Members of the Choir — Their number is op- 
tional. They appear only at the opening of Act II. 
Costumes and make-up, diversified country style. 

(Note — This play is most successful when all the 
parts are played in legitimate, realistic fashion, so 
that its characters appear as real human beings, and 
not burlesque clowns. Heart interest, which is all- 
important, will be sacrificed, if laughs are striven for 
too hard. Strive always to create an atmosphere of 
reality, in action as well as in setting.) 



LIST OF PROPERTIES. 

Jack — Pipe and tobacco; matches; telegram. 

Jimmie — Fifty-cent piece. 

Ezra — Telegram; coat to put on. 

Boggs — Large pocket knife ; soft pine stick to whit- 
tle ; mail-sack ; handsome traveling bags ; buggy 
whip ; constable's badge ; handcuffs and keys. 



10 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 



Victor — Cane. 
Eudora— Broom ; dustcloth. 
Lola — Long envelope with certificates. 
Mrs. Mudge — Ouija board and planchette. 
Betty — Handkerchief. 
Mary — Pearl necklace. 

Members of Choir — Sheets of paper for music. 
For stage props, see descriptions of settings. 



SCENE PLOT. 
Acts I and III. 



Exterior 


Back 


ing 








R.E. [ 

zines 




Interior 


EF7 


1 


Shelves \ \ 




\ tP 


k 


■a ' 


Counter L. E. V^, 




p. o. 

Window 


D W High\_\ \ 
Soap Boxes Desk -*- 


Act II. 

Informal Garden or Wood Drop 


Wings 






La 


wn Te 


nt Wings 


Wings 




X 


Wings 


Wings 


□ 

Light 
Chair 




Rustic Bench .... 
1 Wings 







STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage ; C, center ; R. C, right 
center ; X., left ; 1 E., first entrance ; U. E., upper 
entrance ; R. 3 E., rignt entrance, up stage, etc. ; 
up stage, away from footlights ; down stage, near 
footlights. The actor is supposed to be facing the 
audience. 



MARY'S MILLIONS 



The First Act. 

Scene : Interior of the post office and general store 
at Rocky Hollow; a "kitchen" or "rough interior" 
set may be used. At the right of the rear flat- an 
outside door, swinging in, reveals a glimpse of 
landscape. It is equipped with an old-fashioned 
bar which drops into place to fasten, but the door 
remains open except at the close of Act I. Up left 
in the side flat a doorway leads into the residence 
portion of the building. This door may have a 
curtain, or may remain entirely open. Against 
the rear flat are shelves containing general store 
commodities, such as canned goods, cracker tins, 
etc., and a number of empty pasteboard boxes. 
A similar one contains a pair of leather shoe laces. 
A short distance in front of the shelves is a store 
counter extending nearly the entire distance be- 
tween the two doors. At the right end is a post 
office pigeon-hole rack. A few grocery supplies are 
thrown carelessly on the counter. Down left a 
high, sloping desk stands against the flat, with a 
high stool. On the desk are ledger, ink well and 
pen. Down stage, left of center, is an old-fash- 
ioned "air-tight" stove, with a couple of empty 
soap boxes nearby. Against the right flat is an- 
other tier of shelves containing store goods. On 
clips hung to this fixture, or on a sales rack down 
right, is a magazine display. Hanging on a wire or 
rope stretched across stage overhead are a number 

11 



12 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

of market baskets, oil cans, milk pails, etc. The 
stage is further dressed with several flour barrels, 
a rack of brooms, a plow or cultivator, etc. On 
the walls are several farm implement agency signs, 
a large insurance calendar showing the month of 
August, and a country sale poster. Off stage, 
right, is a pair of cocoanut shells for hoof-beat 
effect. 
(In dressing this set it will be well to enlist the co- 
operation of a local grocery store and a hardware 
store. There are many dummy displays furnished 
to grocers which are light and easily handled, and 
very effective. Many business houses gladly lend 
the required articles in exchange for a credit line 
on the program, reading: "Stage properties for 
Acts I and III by courtesy of ," etc.) 

The curtain rises upon Boggs and Eudora. Boggs 

is seated on a box slightly down stage from, and 

to R. of the stove. He is whittling industriously. 

Eudora is sweeping a few small empty boxes and 

crumpled papers out from behind L. end of 

counter. _. 

Boggs. 

Makin' a lot o' dust, ain't ye, Eudora ? 

Eudora. 
(Tartly.) 
No. I ain't makin' it. I'm jest gettin' rid of it. 
(Looks at Boggs.) Never see so much trash around 
this here store in all my life. 

Boggs. 
(Looking up at her.) 
Hey? Oh, you mean all this here mess on the 
floor. (Whittles faster than ever.) Yep. It sure 
is the untidiest place I seen in a long while. 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 13 

EUDORA. 

Abija Boggs, your lay claim to knowin' somethin' 
about playin' checkers, don't you? 

Boggs. 

Waal, I cal'late as how I do. Oh, you mean it's 

my move, eh? (Chuckles.) Eudora, you do say the 

durndest things! Ain't we a couple of cut-ups? (She 

takes the stick from him and starts to put it in the 

stove. ) Hey, girl, leave that there stick be ! I spent 

pretty nigh an hour fin din' that piece of white pine. 

(Takes it from her.) Women is the extravagantest 

critters! (Folds knife and puts it with stick in hip 

pocket.) ^ 

r ' Eudora. 

Say, ain't you got nothin' to do but lay around 

the store all day? 

Boggs. 

I ain't layin' around the store. I'm layin' around 

the post office. Haw, haw! How d'ye like that? 

Eudora. 
I don't like it for a cent, if you ask me. 

Boggs. 
That ain't no nice way to talk to a customer. 

Eudora. 
You ain't a customer. You're a pesky nuisance. 
(Resumes sweeping.) 

Jimmie enters unnoticed, R. E. 

Boggs. 
(Chuckling.) 
Oh, Eudora, you do say the durndest things! 
(Sees Jimmie.) Hello, Mr. Barnes. How's stocks and 
bonds today? 



14 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

JlMMIE. 

(Cheerfully.) 
Well, when I get another customer, that'll be one, 

a »y wa y- boggs. 

Folks around here don't cotton to New York fi- 
nance, I reckon. Patent fly trap or a spavin remedy 
is peddled easier in this neck o' the woods. Must be 
kind o' slow for a city feller, ain't it? 

Jimmie. 
Slow? Why, say — I've been having more excite- 
ment since I landed here than they did the night 

Rome caught fire ! „ 

° Boggs. 

Sellin' stocks and bonds? 

Jimmie. 
Well— no. 

JOOGGS. 

Nope. Guess not. When a up-an'-comin' young 
feller lays down on the job an' puts a bright future 
behind him an' jest moons around like a sick calf — 

Jimmie. 
What do you mean? 

Boggs. 
Oh, nothin'. Only peddlin' paper ain't always as 
excitin' as chasin' calico. 

Jimmie. 
You better stay in out of the sun. When I go 
after a side partner, she's going to be a live-wire lady 
from a high-tension town. No corn fed beauties for 
mine. No, old boy, you've got me all wrong. I 
kind of like this down on the farm stuff. Just tak- 
ing a little vacation — that's all. 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 15 

BOGGS. 

(Nodding his head.) 
Yep. Vacation — like a cow's hind foot! {Shrewd- 
ly.) I know all about these financiers. They work 
while you sleep. You're playin' for the party with 
the millions-. {Winks wisely.) Oh, I got chuh, 
Steve, I got chuh! JlMmE 

{Eagerly.) 
Millions? Say — honest — is there anybody in this 
one-horse town that has a million dollars? 

Boggs. 

Sure. Lots of 'em. Lots o' millions, I mean ; not 

lots o' people. T 

Jimmie. 

What's his name, and where is he? 

Boggs. 
{Deliberately.) 
His name ain't a him. It's a her. And she's in 
New York. But, say young feller, you'll have a 
tough time — 

Mrs. Mudge enters, R. E. She has an intense 
manner that sweeps everything and everybody aside, 
and her neighbors have learned to give way to her. 
Boggs resumes whittling. 

Mrs. Mudge. 
Oh, Mr. Stoneham! Mr. Stoneham! Is the mail 

in y et? EUDORA. 

{Indifferently.) 
No, ma'am, the mail ain't in yet, an' neither is 
Mr. Stoneham. He's down to the deppo. 

Mrs. Mudge. 
This is a fine post office! 



16 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

BOGGS. 

{Placidly.) 
Yep. Ain't it. Keeps stamps, an' everything. 

Mrs. Mudge. 
{Angrily; to nobody in particular.) 
And exposed to the insults of all the village loaf- 
ers ! I'm going to report it to the postmaster gen- 
eral! {Exit, R. E., in a huff.) 

Boggs. 
Say, Mr. Barnes, did she mean you, or me? 

Jimmie. 
{Laughing.) 
Why, she must have meant you. 

Boggs. 
{Laughing with him.) 
'Zat so? I kind o' figgered she meant you. I 
didn't do nothin'. _, 

hjJJVORA. 

{Bringing broom from behind counter.) 
For once, you're both right! {Points to door.) 
Now beat it, you lazy hayseed, and do your rail 
splitting outside! ^ 

JjOGGS. 

{Chuckling, pockets knife and stick, and starts for 

door.) 
Eudora, you do say the durndest things! {Exit 

Jimmie. 
What's the matter, sister? Been drinking lemon 
juice? _, 

iLUDORA. 

I ain't your sister. If I was, I'd drink sulphuric 

acid! Jimmie. 

{Tolerantly.) 
Well, well! 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 17 

EUDORA. 

Two holes in the ground — and both empty — like 

some folks's heads ! T 

Jimmie. 

Don't blame Abija. He means well. 

Eudora. 

I didn't say nothin' about Abija Boggs. I can 

take care o' him. T 

Jimmie. 

Hm. So I've noticed. Say, Eudora — 

Eudora. 
Miss Smith, if you please! 

Jimmie. 
Quite so, Miss Smith. Abija was talking about 
somebody around here who has a million dollars. He 
said it was some lady who — 

Eudora. 
Well, it must be some other lady, so 'tain't no use 
makin' no love to me. 

Jimmie. 
Aw, sister, listen here. I don't want to make love. 
All I want is just — 

Eudora. 
All you want is the million dollars. I've read 
books, I have, about these slick rascals from' the city. 

Jimmie. 
You've got me all wrong. What's the name of this 
million-dollar doll? Maybe I could sell her some- 
thing. 

Eudora. 

Yes, and maybe she could hand you something. 
Say, if you're on the lookout for a simple little milk- 
maid, or something like that, you'll overlook her. 
She ain't interested in gold bricks. She's been brung 



18 MARY'S MILLIONS. 



up in the city, and knowed more'n you do afore she 
started. Jimmie. 

(Scratching his cheek reflectively.') 
I don't seem to be getting very far with you. 

Eudora. 
Ain't many folks that does get very far with me, 
if anybody should ask you. 

Jimmie. 
I just asked you a simple question. 

Eudora. 
Simple is right. 

Enter Jack, R. E. 

Jimmie. 
Well, then, a civil question. 

Eudora. 

(Seeing Jack.) 

A civil question? Ask your friend. He's a civil 

engineer. I'm busy. (Turns attention to arranging* 

stoeJc, etc.) T 

J Jack. 

Hello, Jimmie! What are you doing here? 

Jimmie. 

(A little out of patience.) 

What does it look as if I'm doing? Losing my 

heart to the village vampire? I'm waiting for the 

mail. „ 

Eudora. 

Humh! More like waitin' for the female, if any- 
body should ask me! 

Jack. 

Eudora, do you figure you can find me a pair of 
good tough shoe-laces in this big department store? 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 19 

EuDORA. 

I might, if I looked for 'em. Then again, I 
mightn't. (Starts searching through boxes on 
shelves.) jACK 

(To JlMMIE.) 

Busted one of these new rawhide laces plumb in 

two, running a line over beyond the ridge. Jimmie, 

old boy, this Consolidated Air Line right-of-way is 

sure tough on the feet. But it'll be a great line 

when it's finished. T 

Jimmie. 

Oh, cut out the shop talk for a minute. I want 

you to help me find a girl. 

Jack. 
Ain't losing your old skill, are you, Jimmie? 
Looks to me like you found several on your own 
hook since you been here. Been having a scrap with 
the little school marm? 

Jimmie. 
Nix, nix! This is a certain party I'm looking for. 

Jack. 
Well, who is it? I know everybody around here. 

I'll introduce you. 

Jimmie. 

That's the funny part. These yaps won't — 

(Eudora drops a large box on the floor and looks 

daggers at Jimmie, who turns and looks, laughs 

good-naturedly, and continues.) These folks won't 

tell me who she is. Seem to think I'm going to climb 

the porch and steal her costly jewels, or something. 

Said she was worth a million dollars. And here I 

am — the well known Jimmie Barnes, stocks, bonds 

and preferred securities — hanging around here, not 

taking in anything but the sights, and with a cus- 



20 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

tomer in view that I might make enough commis- 
sions on to buy myself a yacht ! All they'll tell me 
is that Stonehampton has a millionairess among those 
present, and when I ask them who it is, they give 
me the jolly razz. Say, Jack — are these goofs kid- 
ding me — or what? Jack 

{Seriously, and somewhat depressed.) 
No, old man, they ain't kidding you. She's worth 
millions, all right. (His face lights with enthusi- 
asm.) And believe me, pardner, she is worth millions 
—and then some! j IMMIE . 

(Whistles in surprise.) 
Whew! Then she isn't just some old maid party, 
with a few pennies hid away in a sock? I thought 
they were handing me the well-known bunk. But 
don't stall me the way these birds do. What's her 
fair name and address, and all that sort of thing? 

Eudoea. 
(Interrupting.) 
Here's y'r shoe laces, Mr. Henderson. Sorry I 
couldn't seem to find 'em no sooner. 

Jack. 
Thanks. I hope they last longer than the last 
ones. (Pays for purchase.) 

Jimmie. 
(Going toward him.) 
Listen, Jack — t? tt ™^ . 

(Guilelessly.) 
Looks kind o' like rain, don't it, Mr. Henderson? 

Jack. 

(Looking through outside door.) 
Hanged if it doesn't ! I'd better hike across and — 
'(Starts to go.) 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 21 

JlMMIE. 

Wait a minute, old timer. I want to ask you — 

Jack. 
Left my instruments standing out. I'd be in a fix 
if they got soused. Reckon we'll have to talk about 
that some other time, Jimmie. (Exit hastily, R. E.) 

Jimmie. 
(Looking after him.) 
Well, I'll be — (Turns to Eudora). Say, what is 
this — a conspiracy in restraint of trade? 

Enter Boggs, R. E. 

Eudora. 
Does look kind o' showery, don't it, Mr. Barnes. 

Jimmie. 
(Exploding with impatience; turns suddenly.) 
Oh, rats! (Exit, R. E.) 

BoGGS. 

Haw, haw! Eudora, you do say the durndest 

things ! What's Jack's friend so all fired peevish 

about? (Pulls up a box by the stove, sits, and starts 

whittling.) ^ 

Eudora. 

You started it. _, 

Boggs. 

Me? 

Eudora. 

Tellin' him about Mary's millions, an' not sayin' 

who she was. _ 

Boggs. 

Oh, didn't I tell him it was old Stoneham's niece 
that had the spondoolicks ? 

Eudora. 
No. An' he pestered the life out o' me to find out. 



22 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

BOGGS. 

Well, why didn't you tell him? 

Eudora. 
He's too durn fresh. That's why ! Then he asked 
Jack, an' I switched him off before he could tell him. 
That feller ain't sold no stock sence he got here, and 
now he's found they's somebody that has money, his 
curiosity is bustin' him wide open. Serves him right, 
the big — the big — yap ! 

Boggs. 
Waal, he'll find out, soon enough. Mary'll be 
comin' back some o' these days, they say. When 
Miz' Stoneham left town she said she was goin' to 
New York to see Mary finish her eddication at the 
varnishin' school. „ 

EUDORA. 

Finishin' school, you punkin-head; not varnishin' 

school ! _» 

Boggs. 

Why not varnishin' school? Ezry says they sent 

their niece there to get a good polish. My, my ! 

Who'd ever have thought that those wuthless pasture 

lands old Pete Manners had down in Texas would 

ever spout ile an' give his daughter hundreds of 

dollars — • _, 

Eudora. 

Hundreds? Millions, you mean — three million 

dollars. _ 

Boggs. 

Waal, what's the difference? (Looks off R.) 

Hello, here comes the old man now. And he ain't got 

no mail sack. -^ . D 7-. 

Ezra enters, H. k,. 

Boggs. 
Mornin, Mr. Postmaster. What's the matter with 
the U. S. mail? 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 23 

Ezra. 

Train's late. Say, Bije, as the leadin' an' only 
hack driver in this here metropolis, you better hustle 
your old skate down to the deppo. Special party 
gettin' off. She'll be in afore long. Just got a 
tellygram. BoGGg 

(Rises.) 
Do tell! Who's the extinguished visitor? 

Ezra. 

Got no time for chewin' the rag. Don't be late for 

the train. „ 

Boggs. 

More city folks, I'll bet a doughnut. Waal, busi- 
ness is business. (Puts knife and stick in hip pocket, 
and exit R. E.) Ezra 

(Calls out the door.) 
Don't forget to fetch the mail sack, Bije! 

Boggs. 
(Off stage.) 
Giddap, gal! 

(Hoof patter off stage, fading rapidly.) 

Ezra. 
Eudory, I jest got a tellygram from Miz' Stone- 
ham. She'll be in on the flier. 

Eudora. 
Lands sake ! I ain't got the dishes done yet. 

Ezra. 
Well, you better get a move on. (Eudora starts 
for L. E.) Wait a minute! (Eudora stops and 
turns. ) Mary's comin' with her. 

Eudora. 
(Delightedly.) 
What ? Mary comin' back ? Why, I ain't seen her 



24 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

for near two year? My, my ! I got to get the place 
all red up. (Starts again.) 

Ezra. 
Wait a minute. (Eudora stops.) She says — 
she says — (fumbles in vest pocket and finds tele- 
gram.) She says, "Prepare for guests," (to him- 
self) an' that means I can't set around the house with 
my boots off. (To Eudora.) Well, what you waitin' 
for? I'll mind the store. (Starts working at ledger 
at high desk, L. Eudora exits L. E.) 

Betty enters, R. E. 

Betty. 
Any letters for me, Mr. Stoneham? 

Ezra. 
Mail ain't in yet. Train's late. 

Mrs. Mudge enters, R. E. 
Betty amuses herself casually at the magazine stand. 

Mrs. Mudge. 

Mail come in? I?™, 

jlzra. 

(Without looking up.) 

° pe ' Mrs. Mudge. 

I never saw such service! Well, I must go back 

to my psychic research. I've just had the spirit of 

Jesse James on the ouija board, and he gave me a 

wonderful message — simply wonderful! (Exit R. E.) 

Ezra. 
(Turns to Betty.) 
Crazy as a bedbug ! 

Betty. 
(Laughing.) 
Don't you believe in spirits, Mr. Stoneham? 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 25 

Ezra. 
I believe in sperrits, but I ain't seen none sence 
the country went dry. (Resumes work at ledger.) 

Jimmie enters, R. E. 

Jimmie. 

Hello, Betty. _, 

J Ezra. 

(Without looking up.) 

Huh? 

Jimmie. 

I mean Miss Barlowe. I thought I saw you come 
in. I want to ask you something. 

Betty. 
(With a trace of embarrassment, and glancing at 

Ezra.) 
Oh — do you? Well, er — 

Ezra. 
(Looks at them keenly, then sniffs, as if to indi- 
cate his contempt for flirtations.) Hm! Guess they 
won't be no customers till the mail's in. I'll go an' 
see what the hired girl's up to. (Exit, L. E.) 

Betty. 
(Somewhat in a flutter.) 
What was it you wanted to ask me — Jimmie? 

Jimmie. 
Why, it's about a girl. I'm looking for a girl. 

Betty. 

{Miffed.) 

And you can't find one? Mr. Barnes, you have 

my sympathy. And you want me to help you find 

her, I suppose? _ 

Jimmie. 

(Missing her sarcasm.) 

Sure, That's the big idea. 



26 MARY'S MILLIONS. __ 

Betty. 
{Indignantly.) 
Well, I never! j IMMIE . 

{Seeing his blunder.) 
Listen, girlie, you've made a miscue. What I 
want is just to — 

{Hoof patter off stage.) 

Boggs. 
{Off stage.) 
Whoa there, gal. Here we be, folks ! 

Eudora enters, L. E., with broom in one hand and 
dustcloth in the other. She hurries excitedly across 
towards R. E. ^ 

L.UDORA. 

They've come, Mr. Stoneham, they've come! 
Hurry up and see Mary ! ( Just inside R. E., looking 
out, she stands on one foot, nervously rubbing her 
ankle with the other.) 

Jimmie. 

Well, if life isn't just one blanked interruption 
after another ! ( While Jimmie is speaking, Ezra 
hustles on from L. E. He is struggling into his coat, 
to which he is obviously unaccustomed.) 

Ezra. 
Hey, Eudory, stop scratchin' ! Hain't you got no 
comp'ny manners? {Exit R. E.) 

Jimmie. 
{To Betty.) 
Looks as if we're just in time for the convention. 
Wonder who the conquering hero is? 

Boggs enters, R. E., laden with mail bag and all 
the luxurious traveling equipment he can carry. He 
puts them down and goes out again, R. E. 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 27 



Mary. 

(Offstage.) 
Hello, Uncle Ezra. 

Mary enters, R. E. 

Mary. 
Hello, Eudora. (Embraces her.) 

Betty. 
(Forgetting all about Jimmie.) 

Mar y ! mahy. 

Betty, you darling! (They run to each other 
and embrace.) Oh, my dear, I'm so glad to see you! 
Why weren't you at the station? 

Betty. 
Didn't know you were coming till I saw you this 
minute. Why didn't you write? 

Mary. 

I decided suddenly to come back with Aunt Jane. 

And she invited some friends of mine to come back 

with us — Count De Selle's and his sister, Countess 

De Selles. _ 

Betty. 

Count De Selles? He sounds French! 

Mary. 

He'll sound Frencher than that when you hear 
him talk. (Aside to her.) Who's the attractive 
man over there? (Indicates Jimmie.) 

Betty. 
(Feigning indifference.) 
Him? Oh, just some friend of Jack's. But 
where's the French count ? 

Mary. 
Bother the Count! He's outside somewhere, I 



28 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

suppose, with Aunt Jane. {Eagerly.) Where's 

Jack ? t, 

Betty. 

0-ho! It's Jack you came back to see, is it? 

Mary. 
Of course not, silly! I just wondered. 

Betty. 
But my dear, how stunning you are ! And that 
pearl necklace — it must have cost a fortune. 

Mary. 

{Idly fingering the necklace.) 
Oh, I suppose ; ten thousand or something like that. 

I forget. .~ 

° Betty. 

Imagine ! But the money hasn't spoiled you — 
you're the same old darling girl. {Puts arm around 
her affectionately.) 

Boggs enters with more baggage, from R. E. 

Boggs. 
They do say he's a real live count ! 

Jane, Victor and Lola enter. Eitdora watches 
Lola with awestruck interest. 

Jane. 
{To Mary.) 

Oh, here you are, dear. You are not forgetting 
your guests? {To Victor and Lola.) And this, 
Count, is the post office. 

Victor. . 
{Visibly bored.) 
Ah, ze post office. How intairesting ! 

Ezra enters, R. E., and during the ensuing dia- 
logue stands effacingly in the background, betraying 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 29 

uncertainty and uneasiness. After a few moments 
he shrugs his shoulders, thrusts his hands in his 
pockets and exits L. E. 

Lola. 
Ah, oui! Is it not, my brozair? Very — what you 
say ?— picturesque ! Maey> 

Countess De Selles, Miss Barlowe — my very best 

friend. -r, 

Betty. 

It is a pleasure. ,, 

r Mary. 

Betty, allow me to present Count Victor De Selles. 

Victor. 
(Bowing low over Betty's hand.) 
Ze delight most exquiseet ! 

Jane. 
And now shall we enter our humble home? Per- 
haps, Countess, you wish to rest? 

Lola. 
(Artfully hooking her parasol in Victor's pocket 
and drawing him away from Betty.) Ah, well, 
Madame, ze journey does make ze fatigue. (To 
Victor, significantly, and raising her eyebrows.) Is 
it not so, my brozair? 

Victor. 
(Reluctantly.) 
Ah, oui. It would be ze delight. 

Jane. 
(Grandly, to Eudora.) 
Eudora, you will assist Boggs with the — er — lug- 
gage. Come, Mary. (She goes toward L. E., fol- 
lowed by Lola and Victor.) You will understand, 
of course, Count and Countess, that we live here in 
unpretentious surroundings that are in keeping with 



30 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

the humble sphere in which we live, and I fear you 
will find it very different from the gay life to which 
you have long been accustomed in the large cities 
of the world — 

(Jane, Lola, Mary and Victor exeunt L. E. Vic- 
tor is very assiduous in his attention to Mary as 
they go out. Boggs and Eudora follow with bag- 

S a 8 e -) J IM MIE 

(Mimicking.) 
It is ze delight most exquiseet ! 

Betty. 
Oh, Mr. Barnes. Are you still here? 

Jimmie. 
Sure, I'm here. Why didn't you run me in to be 
identified? Betty. 

(Artlessly.) 
How thoughtless of me ! You did seem interested 
in the Countess. But I guess you'll find a way. You 

generally do. T 

° J Jimmie. 

Oh, come now, Betty. You know there's nobody 

at all like you. But there was something about her — 

Betty. 
(Sniffing.) ' 
So I noticed. Good afternoon, Mr. Barnes. 
(Starts toward R. E.) 

Jimmie. 
(Starting after her.) 
Wait a minute, Betty. I didn't mean anything. 
But you'll have to admit that the Countess sure does 
look like a million dollars — (Exit Betty, R. E., with 
her chin in the air. Jimmie struck by a sudden 
thought.) 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 31 

A million dollars ! (Stands in silence, with his 
mouth open, scratching his cheek with his forefinger. 
His face lights up suddenly, he smiles and snaps his 
fingers.) Jack enUr ^ R E 

Jack. 

Say, Jimmie, what's all the excitement? Some- 
body trying to get a ten-dollar bill changed? 

Jimmie. 
No. We've been staging the return of the wife 
of the merchant prince, alias Mrs. Ezra Stoneham. 

Jack. 

Is that all? 

Jimmie. 

No, not quite all. She's brought her niece back 

with her. Never knew she had a niece before. Nice 

looking girl, too. And listen, Jack — 

Jack. 
( Interrupting. ) 
You say Mary — -iMary has come? 

Jimmie. 
Sure. I guess that's her name. (Looks at Jack 
wonderingly. ) Why — 

Jack. 
(To himself.) 

Mai T ! Jimmie. 

(Still looking at Jack.) 
O-ho! So that's it, is it? (He grins knowingly.) 

Jack. 
Cut it out, Jimmie. We played together when 
we were kids. That's all. 

Jimmie. 
You seem to remember it pretty well. 



32 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Jack. 
(Still half lost in thought.) 
Yes, I do remember it — pretty well. 

Jimmie. 

(Cheerfully.) 

Well, nobody's dead. (Slaps Jack 011 the back.) 

Cheer up, old kid, and go to it. (A thought comes 

to him and he becomes suddenly serious.) Say ! You'd 

better not lose any time, at that ! 

Jack. 

What do you mean? 

Jimmie. 

She's brought a French count back with her. He 

looks like a head waiter, and he talks like a bottle of 

seltzer. T 

Jack. 

A French count? Well, I might have expected it. 

Jimmie. 
Say, stand over by the stove. Your feet are cold. 

Jack. 
You don't understand, old man. 

Jimmie. 
That's right. I've never been in love. But, oh 
man, you ought to see the baby sister that the Count 
brought along. Ooh-la-la! (Blows a kiss from his 
fingers.) Some baby! 

Jack. 
Thought you kind of liked the little school teacher. 

Jimmie. 
Betty? Oh, she's all to the good. But we're just 
good friends. When it comes to matrimony, no tall 
grass" girlie is anything in my young life. I'll pick 
my soul mate among the bright lights. 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 33 

Jack. 

{Following his own line of thought.) 
Gee, I'd like to see Mary! 

JlMMIE. 

Well, why don't you bust in {nodding to door 

L.) and see her? T 

' Jack. 

What? With all that swell company, and me in 

my, working clothes? I'd make a hit, I guess — not! 

Mary enters L. E. and stands just inside the door. 

Mary. 

Jack ! T 

Jack. 

Mary! 

J JlMMIE. 

{Taking himself by the coat lapel,) 
This way out, brother. {Exit R. E.) 

Mary. 

{Advancing to Jack with outstretched hand.) 
Oh, Jack, I'm so glad to see you. (Jack has gone 
eagerly to her and starts to embrace her. She pushes 
him gently away.) But you must remember, we 
aren't children any more. 

Jack. 
{Humbly.) 
I'll try to remember that, Mary. 

Mary. 

{Looking down at her hand in his and wondering 
whether to withdraw it.) 
I missed you when we got here. 

Jack. 

{Pleased.) 
Did you, honest? If I'd known you were coming, 
I'd have headed the reception committee. I'd have 



34 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

built a big arch across Main Street, with letters ten 
feet high, saying, "Welcome home!" I'd have — 
(sighs deeply). Gee, I'm glad you're back! Going 
to stay with us now? 

Mary. 
I — I don't know. Aunt Jane invited some ac- 
quaintances of mine to come back with us. 

Jack. 
Hm. So I hear. Say, Mary — how about this 
French count? Does it mean — anything? 

Mary. 

(Not quite at her ease.) 
Why, Jack! What a funny question. I don't 
know what you mean. 

Jack. 
I mean — well, with all your new friends, and your 
money, and living in New York, and all, I wondered 
if things were — the same as they used to be? 

Mary. 

(Hesitating.) 
Well — lots of things are changed, of course. 
Things are never as they used to be, I suppose. It's 
a very different world, you know, when you have 
three million dollars to live up to. 

Jack. 
Hm! I suppose so. 

Mary. 

(Brightly.) 
But we're still good friends, aren't we? 

Jack. 
Friends? Is that all we are? 

Mary. 

Why, yes. Of course. What more could we be? 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 35 

Jack. 
Well, I used to kind of think — you said once — 

Mary. 

Oh, don't be silly, Jack. We aren't children any 

more. T 

Jack. 

That's right. You're an heiress now, with a soci- 
ety education, and I'm just a roughneck surveyor. 
And it don't look like I'll ever get the hayseed 
combed out of my hair. 

Mary. 

{Struggling to change the subject.) 
I don't believe you're very glad to see me, after all, 
or you wouldn't want to quarrel. 

Jack. 
Not glad to see you? If you only knew how I've 
been thinking about you, and waiting for you, and 
longing for you — 

Jane enters L. E. 

Jane. 
Mary, your guests are inquiring about you. 

Mary. 
Oh, I'd forgotten all about them. (Jack is pleased 
but Jane shows open disapproval.) Come along, 
Jack, and meet a real live count. 

Jane. 

(Reprovingly.) 

My dear, how can you speak so flippantly of the 

nobility ? T 

J Jack. 

I guess I can wait. Don't seem to have much of 

a hankering for counts right now, somehow. 



36 MARY'S MILLIONS. 



Jane. 

(Aside to Mary.) 

How many times have I told you, child, that this 

affair with Jack Henderson must stop? You know 

we have very different plans for you. (Aloud.) You 

forget, my dear, your guests are waiting for you. 

Mary. 
(With resignation.) 
All right, Aunt Jane. (Exeunt Jane and Mary, 
L. E. As Mary goes she drops a large pearl neck- 
lace near the stove.) 

Jimmie enters R. E. 

Jimmie. 

Say, Jack, where's the imported calico? 

Jack. 

(Listlessly.) 

Still in the custom house, I guess. (Nodding 

toward L. E.) T 

y Jimmie. 

Come on, old man, snap out of your gloomy trance. 

Let's go down to the "deppo" and watch the trains 

go by. I need excitement. 

Jack. 

(Sits on a box, takes a pipe from his pocket and 

fills it.) 

No, thanks, Jimmie. I'm going to do patrol duty 

riffht on this sector. T 
° Jimmie. 

(Laughing.) 

Gee, but you're hit hard! (Exit.R. E.) 

Victor enters L. E. Looks around the floor as if 
searching for something. Finds necklace, stoops and 
picks it up. Sees Jack, looks significantly at him, 
smiles to himself, slips necklace in pocket and exits 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 37 

L. E. Jack, busy lighting pipe y does not observe the 
incident. Jack puffs deeply, in a brown study. Mary 
enters L. E. Upon seeing Jack she laughs gaily. 
Jack rises. Mary _ 

Oh, what a joke! I came out here to find a sus- 
picious character — and I found you! 

Jack. 

Well, I guess I'm suspicious, all right. I've got 
a lot of suspicions. ^ 

I thought I dropped my necklace out here, and the 
Count said he would look for it. He came back and 
reported that he couldn't find it, but that there was 
a "suspicious character" in the store. And here it 
was you! (Laughs again.) You didn't see my neck- 
lace, Jack? jACK 

(Looking around.) 
Why, no, I didn't even see the Count. That's 
funny. It must be around here somewhere. 

Mary. 
Never mind. Maybe I dropped it in the house. 
(Starts L.) Jack 

(Putting out his hand.) 
Don't go, Mary. Mary 

(Hesitating.) 
Oh, I must. Auntie's waiting for me — 

Jack. 
Maybe I'm all wrong. But I've got a queer hunch. 
You know, Mary, three million dollars is a whole lot 
of money— Mary 

(Annoyed.) 
I must say you're thinking a lot lately about that 
old three million dollars ! 



38 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Jane enters L. E. 

Jane. 
Mary. (Jack turns away.) Did you find it? 

Mary. 

Find what, Aunt Jane? 

Jane. 
Why, your necklace, of course. And you're neg- 
lecting your friends shamefully. 

Boggs enters R. E. 

Jane. 

We'll be late for the festival if you. don't hurry. 

It takes you as long to dress as it does some folks 

(looking at Jack) to know when they've outstayed 

their welcome ! , , 

Mary. 

Very well, Aunt Jane. (Mary and Jane exeunt 

L. E.) 

Boggs. 

Jumpin' grasshoppers ! Looks like somebody's 
been gettin' the old girl all riled up. Ezry has my 
sympathy. An' ain't she high an' mighty, though, 
sence she captured that there duke? 

Jack. 
They say he's a count, Bije, not a duke. 

Boggs. 
Well, all foreign wild animals looks alike to me. 
They all put the same kind o' perfume on their hair. 
Say, Jack, goin' to the strawberry festival tonight? 

Jack. 

Guess not, Abiia. ^ 

J Boggs. 

Better come. Goin' to be the greatest doin's sence 

the mill dam busted. Speeches, grub — an' I've wrote 

the welcome song for the community choir. A leetle 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 39 

out of my line, but the boys down at the deppo says 

it's the best I ever done — an' I been choirmaster of 

Rocky Holler for fifteen year. Bein' as you got 

a college education, I'd like to have your opinion — 

if you care to come. T 
J Jack. 

Thanks, but I guess not. It's pretty far to go — 

alone - Boggs. 

Won't have to walk a gosh durn step. I'll call 
fer ye an' fetch the hack right smack up to the gate. 

Jack. 

That's awfully kind of you, Abija. But say — not 
butting into your private affairs — how do you ever 
make a living out of that hack? 

Boggs. 

Waal — when you get right down to brass tacks, 
I cal'late I don't make a powerful sight. Nobody 
never pays me nothin' but you an' your friend Jim- 
mie. I reckon I do it more for the excitement than 
anything! Vzn a enters L. E. 

Ezra. 

Waal, folks, closin' up the store f'r the night. Got 
to get ready to take the folks to the strawberry fes- 

tlvaL BOGGS. 

(Starting for R. E.) 
That's right. *The more the merrier. Sorry you 
won't jine us, Jack. J ACK 

(Following Boggs.) 
Say, Bije, I seem to have kind of changed my 
mind. Guess I'll take a look at the high jinks, after 
all. (Looks toward L. E. as though thinking of 
Mary.) 

(Jack and Boggs are both at outside door.) 



40 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

BOGGS. 

All right. I'll call around f'r ye a leetle later. 
(Jack and Boggs exeunt R. E., Jack leaving in one 
direction and Boggs in the other.) 

Jane pokes her head in the door L. and then enters. 

Jane. 
Well! I thought that lazy fellow would never 
leave! Ezra, we've got to look sharp. If we don't 
put a stop (strikes her fist into her palm) to love's 
young dream in a hurry, Jack Henderson is going to 
get Mary and her three million dollars, and all my 
plans for the dear child's future will have gone for 
nothing. The shameless young fortune hunter ! 

Ezra. 

How about this here count? Think he loves her 

for herself alone? x 

Jane. 

(With grand superiority.) 

Well, good things come high. A title would be 

worth the money. (Smiles proudly to herself.) Oh, 

to be of the nobility — a countess for a niece — to go 

to Paris—! EzRA 

(Sourly.) 
Yep — an' that perfumed pansy f'r a nephew. 
Reckon he'd make her happy, Jane? 

Jane. 
A woman can be happy with any man. Look at 

me! Ezra. 

(Resignedly.) 
Waal, mebbe you're right. But I won't give my 
consent. (Goes to R. E. and closes door.) 

Jane. 
You don't need to. 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 41 

Ezra. 

Why? 

J Jane. 

Count De Selles has just asked for Mary's hand in 

marriage and has received consent — 

Ezra. 

From Mary? T 

J Jane. 

(With complete self-satisfaction.) 

Not at all. From me! 

(Ezra slams the bar into place across the outside 
door, R., then turns and looks in amazement at Jane, 
who stands complacently C, tapping her finger-tips 
together.) 

Quick Curtain. 



MARY'S MILLIONS 



The Second Act. 

Scene: The strawberry festival on the village 
green; wood or informal garden drop, with wood 
wings. A small marquee or square lawn tent of 
striped material, with the opening toward the au- 
dience, stands up center. On or near it is a card- 
board sign, not too well painted, reading, "Past, 
present and future, 50c for the new church organ." 
At the right of the tent is a light folding chair. 
A rustic park bench is down left. Across the stage, 
overhead, Japanese lanterns are strung pictur- 
esquely. (Christmas tree electric lights may be 
used inside the lanterns. Whatever illumination 
is used, be sure that it complies with the fire laws.) 
Green floorcloth. Grass mats, flowers and plants, 
set bushes and stumps are used to dress the stage. 
(This set does not require full stage unless de- 
sired. By hanging the drop in three, rear flat 
of first set may be masked without striking it, and 
scene changes thus facilitated.) 

The curtain rises upon Boggs, Jack, Eudora and 
The Choir, with Eudora as one of the singers. 
The Choir is singing "See the Conquering Hero 
Comes," and not singing it any too well. The 
group is formed in a diagonal line, single or double 
rank, C, so that the members are three-quarters 
facing the audience. Eudora, in a prominent 
place, is singing conspicuously off key. Boggs 
stands down stage, in front of and facing The 

43 



44 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Choir. He leads the singing with a long buggy 
whip, which he waves violently. Jack is seated on 
the bench, suppressing a smile. After a brief mo- 
ment of singing, Boggs stops the choir by violent 
gestures and striking his whip on the stage. 

Boggs. 

(Shouting.) 

Whoa! Whoa! Be ye critters singin' this here 

spasm accordin' to the way it's wrote, 'r jest makin' 

it up as ye go? ^ 

r J & Eudora. 

Hanged if I know, Abija. These here notes I got 

look like they were carved out with a axe, 'r wrote 

with a tooth brush. Now I think we ought to of 

took a grand operatic see-lection — 

Boggs. 
Took a which? „ 

EUDORA. 

Grand opraw. _. 

r Boggs. 

We'll make enough grand uproar. Try ag'in, 

folks. Now, watch out f'r holes in the road. Gid- 

dap! (Choir starts singing and he stops them as 

before.) Whoa! Eudory, how does that last part go? 

Eudora. 
(Singing off hey.) 
Tee, diddle-de dum dum, tee diddle-de dum dum, 
tee diddle-de dum dum, dee! 

Boggs. 
(Proudly.) 
Waal, Jack, how does she step off, fust time? 

Jack. 
(Concealing his amusement.) 
I never heard anything like it. 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 45 

BOGGS. 

Not so bad, eh? Might-a done better if I hadn't 
been so all-fired rushed. Lots of words I couldn't 
think of when I wrote it. 

Jack. 

Why didn't you consult Noah Webster? 

Boggs. 
Couldn't. He was over helpin' Hank Stebbins 
get in his hay. (Jack laughs.) Hello, here comes 
some folks to the festival and we ain't done prac- 
tize-in' yet. Come on, choir. Let's go over yonder 
an' whoop 'er up a leetle more. 

Choir, with Eudora, exeunt up R., as Jane, 
Ezra, Mary, Victor and Lola enter down L. Jack 
M about to go to Mary when he sees Victor. Jack 
turns disappointedly and joins Boggs, who is follow- 
ing the choir. T 

Jane. 

Mr. Boggs, I would like to speak with you 
— (Boggs and Jack stop) — alone! 

(Exit Jack up R. During the ensuing dialog, 
Victor is assiduously devoted to Mary in panto- 
mime that is a little overdone. Ezra awkwardly tries 
to interest Lola in the festival, and Lola likewise 
is too demonstrative to be sincere.) 

Boggs. 
Choir ain't ready to do its singin' in public yet, 
Miz Stoneham. We got to do a leetle more prac- 
tize-in' — T 

Jane. 

I don't want to listen to the choir, Abija Boggs. 
I. want you to listen to me. A robbery has been com- 
mitted. You must find the thief. 



46 MARY'S MILLIONS. 



BOGGS. 

{Throwing bach his vest, revealing badge and strik- 
ing an attitude.) 
The constabule is on the job! What's been swiped 
an' who done it? Jane 

Mary has lost her ten-thousand-dollar pearl neck- 
lace. It disappeared this afternoon. 

Boggs. 

Do tell ! Any clews ? 

Jane. 

No. All genuine pearls. 

Boggs. 

( Confidentially . ) 

Miz Stoneham, you come to the right man. I'll 

find the jools. Jane 

You'd better! A ten-thousand-dollar necklace is 
not picked up every day. 

Boggs. 
{Going R.) 
Waal, I'll pick 'em up, all right. But fust I got 
to pick up a clew. (Exit down R.) 

Victor. 
{To Mary.) 
Eet ees all very — what you call — fascinating; zis 
festeeval. Jane 

But you have not yet been all over the grounds. 
I am sure Mary will be glad to take you and intro- 
duce you to all her friends. Won't you, Mary? 

Mary. 
{Without enthusiasm.) 
Yes, Aunt Jane. 
(Jane motions significantly to Ezra to go with 

them.) 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 47 

Ezra. 
Reckon I'll stroll along an' see who's here. 
(Exeunt Mary and Victor, followed by Ezra, 
down R.) 

Jane. 

(Looking after them.) 

How happy the young people are! (Gushingly.) 

A true love match. But doesn't it sadden you to 

lose your brother? T 

J Lola. 

Oh, madame, I do not lose ze brozair. Eet ees 

zat I gain — -(checks herself) — I gain zee sweet leetle 

sistair. (Sighs.) I am veree happee. 

Jane. 

Yes, we are all very happy. It is a brilliant match. 

But — well, you know they say true love never runs 

smooth. T 

Lola. 

Oh, my dear madame, what has happen? 

Jane. 
Nothing. I am afraid of what may happen. 

Lola. 
(Uneasily.) 
But — what can happen? 

Jane. 
Mary is — well, she is young, and flighty. She 
does not always know what is best. 

Lola. 

But you have arrange for what ees best, n 9 est ce 

pas? T 

Jane. 

I must speak plainly, if we are to understand each 

other. Mary's millions are very attractive, you 

know. 



48 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Lola. 

(Alarmed.) 

But— ^no gentleman would ever sink of — ze money ! 

Oh, jamais de la vie! , 

J Jane. 

That is just it. No gentleman would. But Mary 
has had a silly, childish romance with a — an impu- 
dent young fortune hunter. He is persistent, and — 
well, she is only a child. It is very annoying. 

Lola. 
And zis young fortune huntair — 

Jane. 
You have seen him. (Looks off R.) Wait. There 
he is now, with one of his disreputable companions, 
waiting to impose on Mary with more of his impu- 
dent nonsense, I suppose. 

Lola. 
(Following her glance.) 
Ah, yes. You spik ze truth. Zey are indeed bour- 
geois. For such a pairfect lady as la petite Marie — 
oh, eet ees horrible to think ! 

Jane. 
(Insinuatingly. ) 
Now, if there were some way of — well, creating a 
diversion, you know. He is such a rustic simpleton 

— really — 

Lola. 

Madame, I have what you say— ze grand idea! 

Pairhaps — but put your trust in me— -I shall^-what 

you call — "create ze divairsion !" 

Jane. 

(Gushingly.) 
Oh, Countess, you are so clever! (Exit up R.) 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 49 



Lola stands for a moment, chin on hand, think- 
ing. Then, hearing some one coming R., exits briskly 
down L. Jack and Jimmie enter down R. 

Jimmie. 
Here's the tent, all right. {Looks inside.) Betty 
said she was going to be the gypsy queen tonight. 
She must be late. (Looks off L. and lowers his voice 
a little.) Hello, there goes the million dollar doll. 
(shakes Jack playfully.) Come on, old hoss, listen 
to the birdies sing. You haven't lost Mary yet. 

Jack. 

You don't know what I'm up against. I haven't 
a chance. Jimmie. 

(Banteringly.) 

Well, you are a sad lover ! I doped you for a mud 

horse with Dan Cupid up. Why, kid, it's always 

heavy going with a bunch of lace like Mary. And 

you go and quit cold ; want to be at the finish in 

front of the grandstand before the barrier drops. 

Listen, bo. That's the bunk. If I was entered in 

this event I'd have you looking like a badge horse 

carrying; a safe. T 

J & Jack. 

Oh, it's all right for you to talk. You don't love 

anybody. T 

J J Jimmie. 

Righto! Girls are nothing in my young life. I 

wonder where Betty is. 

Jack. 

(Ruefully.) 

I know where Mary is, all right. Come along, 

we'll look Betty up. 

Jimmie. 

Can't do it. Business first. That's me all over. 



50 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Jack. 
What do you mean, business? 

Jimmie. 
(Pointing off L.) 
Here comes the countess, and here's where I cut in. 

Jack. 

Keep away, old man. I don't like the looks of that 

outfit. T 

Jimmie. 

Oh, I'm wise, I'm wise. Of course I'll snag the 

count's game if I can. But this is business. 

Jack. 

Are you crazy? T 

J Jimmie. 

Roll your hoop, young fellow. No use trying to 

keep any secrets back on li'l' Jimmie. 

• Jack. 
I give it up. Guess I'll look around and see if 
Mary's shaken that fellow yet. But watch your step. 
(Exit up L.) 

Lola enters down L. and sits on bench, arranging 
herself with conscious care to achieve a catchy pose, 
but not seeming to have noticed Jimmie. Jimmie 
stands up C. and watches her while pretending not to 
notice. Then he pushes back his hair, sets his collar, 
etc., and makes several starts at speaking to her, but 
does not know how to begin. After a moment she 
drops her fan. He rushes forward to pick it up. As 
he gets it she stoops and instead of picking up the 
fan she touches the back of his hand. He gives the 
fan to her. LoLA . 

(Graciously.) 
Oh, sank you. Sank you so much! 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 51 

JlMMIE. 

(Looking at the back of his hand, as if her fingers 
had left a pleasant mark.) 
Oh, er — you're quite welcome. (Strives for some- 
thing to say.) I, er — you, er — that's a very pretty 

fan. T 

Lola. 

Zis? (Shrugs.) Oh, eet ees nossing. I have many 

of zem. T 

Jimmie. 

I'll bet you have. I mean — have you? (She looks 
at him wonderingly.) I mean — do you? (Noting her 
quizzical expression.) It's a warm night for a straw- 
berry festival, isn't it? I'll bet the ice cream's soft 
already. Lo:LA 

(Laughing good-humor edly.) 
Oh, you American men! You are so funny! (He 
is taken aback,) You are so, what you call, intair- 

estin S- Jimmie. 

(Feeling better.) 
Think so? Oh, quit your kidding! 

Loi>a. 

Kidding? What is zat, kidding? A kid ees a little 

goat, n'est ce pas? T 

° Jimmie. 

(Balked at the French.) 

Oh, yes ; assuredly. And I'm the goat, I guess. 

Lola. 
(Laughing.) 
You funny man! But for why do you make me 

Jimmie. 

(Half to himself.) 

But for why do I? That's what I'm wondering. 



laugh ? 



52 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Lola. 
I should not spik to you. Eet ees not propair. 

Jimmie. 
But everybody's supposed to know everybody 
around here. Now, I have some giltedged proposi- 
tions that I would like to offer you — 

Lola. 
And beesides, any friend of Meess Marie should be 
likewise a friend to me. Ees eet not? 

Jimmie. 
It is not. I mean, surest thing you know. I have 
a couple of specially good things, ground floor 
chances, and I've been waiting to meet you — 

Lola. 
I have wondaired why we did not mek ourselves 

acquainted. , 

7 Jimmie. 

Did you, really? So did I. 

Lola. 

Ze fairst time I see you, I say to myself, oh, zere 

is one man which I could like to have for a frien'. 

Jimmie. 

Well, countess, you've got me. You've got me ! 

Any time you need any financial advice — 

Lola. 

Je ne comprends pas. 

Jimmie. 

What? Oh, no savvy? Never mind. Guess I'm 

workins; too fast. L 

& Lola. 

Yes, you spik too fast. 

Jimmie. 

That's what I mean. Well, er — how do you like 

America ? 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 53 

Lola. 
Your country eet ees so beeg! Eeet mek me lone- 
some — until zis evening! {Moves over, as though 
unconsciously, to make room for him on the bench.) 

Jimmie. 

It was kind of lonesome before, now that you speak 

of it. It's a nice evening, isn't it? (Sits timorously 

on bench.) T 

y Lola. 

(Observing his response with crafty satisfaction.) 

Oui. Ze evening ees beautiful. And eet ees all ze 

more beautiful, when one ees not alone. 

Jimmie. 
I'll say it is. I'm a sociable sort of a bird, myself. 

Lola. 

(Leaning toward him.) 
Zen you weell be my f rien' ? My veree good f rien' ? 

Jimmie. 
Countess, I'm such a good friend of yours already 
that you can forget you ever had any others. (Puts 
his arm along back of bench.) You can trust me in 
anything. And if you want any live tips — I can 
give you the low-down on some first-class proposi- 
tions — 



Lola. 



What do you say? 



fast? 



Jimmie. 
Too fast, too fast ! I mean, am I speaking too 

Lola. 

I do not undairstand. But you are so fascina- 
ting! And to sink zat I should have meet you here, 
like zis — and zat we are so veree good frien's, from 
so far apart — 



54 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

JlMMIE. 

Isn't it wonderful? The world isn't so big after 
all. {Moves closer to her.) Yes, it's a small world. 

Betty enters down R. Jimmie glances across and 

sees her as she comes on. She looks at Jimmie and 

Lola a moment, in great surprise, then goes into 

tent. Jimmie is very uncomfortable. Lola has not 

observed Betty. t 

Jimmie. 

{Drawing away from Lola.) 
It's a very small world. Sometimes it's too darn 
small to be convenient. {Searches in his pockets.) 
That's funny. I seem to have lost something. Some- 
thing very valuable. Maybe I dropped it near that 
tent. {Rises.) Will you excuse me a moment, Count- 
ess ? T 

LOLA. 

But what ees eet you lose? We weel look for eet 
togezair. Would not zat be zhollee? {Rises.) 

Jimmie. 
Yes, it would be zhollee, I'll tell the world! But, 
er — J don't believe I — come to think of it, I guess 
I lost it over there in the park. I'm very sure I did — 

Lola. 
{Slipping her arm through his.) 
Zen, my veree good frien', we shall take one lee- 
tle promenade in ze moonlight, and you shall tell 
me what ees eet zat you lose. 

Jimmie. 
{Going with her reluctantly.) 
It looks to me, Countess, as if I've lost a whole lot. 
{Looks toward tent.) 

Lola. 
But be of good cheer, my frien'. We weel find eet. 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 55 

^f W ■■■■■ ■■ i ■ i .... i — .- .i ^ i ■ ,- ■ 

JlMMIE. 

I'm afraid we will, if I don't watch my step. 

Lola. 
What ees zat, watch you' step ? 

Jimmie. 
Well, that's what caused all the trouble. I didn't 
watch my step. (Casts a despairing glance toward 

tent -) Loia. 

(As they go out.) 
Oh, you funny, funny man! 

Jimmie and Lola exeunt up R. Betty, in mingled 
grief and anger, comes to door of tent and looks 
after them. Mrs. Mudge enters down L. She car- 
ries a ouija outfit under her arm. 

Mrs. Mudge. 

(Going to Betty.) 

Well, dearie, how's the fortune telling going this 

evening ? _ 

Betty. 

Fortune telling? Oh, of course. Well, I haven't 

told any fortunes this evening. (Choking with tears.) 

Oh, Mrs. Mudge, I am so unhappy — 

Mrs. Mudge. 
(Taking her in her arms with some difficulty, because 
of the ouija board.) 
Never mind, dearie, never mind. There ain't much 
in palmistry, anyhow. Now why don't you use this? 
Here's something that's real scientific, and you get 
messages on it that are wonderful ; simply wonderful! 

Betty. 
(Not heeding her chatter.) 
Oh, I wish I was dead! 



56 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Mrs. Mudge. 

You mustn't wish things like that. But still, I 

had the spirit of Napoleon Bonaparte on the board 

this very afternoon, and he said that the spirit world 

was wonderful; simply wonderful! Now, I'll show 

you how it works. You look to me like you ought 

to be psychic. You have to be psychic, you know. 

Kind of vampirish. I'm very much that way. That's 

why it works so good for me. (Looks for another 

chair.) We've got to have a good place to set 

down — _ 

Betty. 

Thank you, Mrs. Mudge, but please don't bother. 
I have a headache. 

Mrs. Mudge. 

I have headaches, too. That shows that you're 
psychic, dearie. After a see-ance I'm a wreck ; a 
perfect wreck! (Lays board in front of tent.) I'll 
just fetch another chair, and we'll put ouija to work, 
and you'll see something wonderful; simply wonder- 
ful! (Exit energetically up R.) 

Jimmie enters down R. 

Jimmie. 

(Feigning unconcern.) 

Good evening, gypsy queen. I've come to get my 

fortune told. 

Betty. 

(Coldly.) 

I'm not telling fortunes just now, Mr. Barnes. 

Jimmie. 
But that's what the sign says. And you told me 

this afternoon — 

Betty. 

Whatever I told you this afternoon, I've quite for- 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 57 

gotten. And the sign doesn't say that I'll tell your 

f0rtUIle - JlMMIE. 

{Reaching into his pocket,) 
Better take the four bits for the church organ, 
anyway. My fortune's told already. A dark per- 
son has come with a bundle, and I'm in for some 
trouble with a blonde. {Puts coin in her hand.) 

Betty. 

{Throwing it down.) 

Don't you dare speak my name in the same breath 

with hers ! T 

Jimmie. 

I didn't mention any names at all. 

Betty. 

You didn't need to. I'm surprised at you, Mr. 

Barnes. Surprised! {Shrugs.) Not that I care, of 

course — T 

Jimmie. 

But listen, Betty. You've got a bum hunch. I 

haven't done anything — 

Betty. 

Oh, haven't you? T 

J Jimmie. 

No. That was just business. Of course — 

Betty. 
Well, I must say that from all I saw you're a 
pretty energetic business man. 

Jimmie. 
Say, Betty, if I thought more about business and 
less about you, do you suppose I would have given 
her the shake, just to come back to you, when I had 
her almost hooked and — 

Betty. 
Mr. Barnes, you are the most vulgar creature that 



58 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

it has ever been my ill-fortune to meet. Hooked, in- 
deed! {Stamps her foot.) You can just go right 
back to her, if you like her so much, and devote your- 
self entirely to business! And you needn't say that 
you had anybody else almost hooked, for I've de- 
tested you ever since the moment I met you! (Flings 
herself into the tent.) 

Jimmie. 
Throw out your clutch, girlie. You're exceeding 
the speed limit. Suppose you let me talk a little? 

Betty. 

(At the tent opening.) 

A gentleman would go when he. is dismissed. I 

don't see why you bother, anyway. The last time 

you said you wanted to talk to me, you told me you 

were looking for a girl. Well, you seem to have 

found one ! T 

Jimmie. 

(Brightening.) 

That's just it. You see, nobody would tell me 

what her name was, and all I knew — 

Betty. 
You seem to have nerve enough, Mr. Barnes, to 
accomplish your purpose without any help. 

Jimmie. 
But, Betty — hang it all — can't you see that it's 
business? Why, every minute that I spend with her 
is just an investment, and — 

Betty. 
Every minute that you spend with me is charity, 
I suppose? (Remaining inside the tent, she throws 
the flap across the opening.) 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 59 

JlMMIE. 

Well, if women aren't the most unreasonable — 

Lola enters up R. When Jimmie sees her he pre- 
tends to be searching on the ground. 

Jimmie. 
It certainly doesn't seem to be around here any- 
where. (Goes R.) I'm sure it must have been over 

there — T 

Lola. 

But, my frien', if you weell only tell me what eet 

ees zat you have lost. (Jokingly.) I sought zat you 

had desairted me — so queeckly 

Jimmie. 
(Forcing a laugh.) 
Countess, you're right there with the line of jazz, 
I'll tell the world. Now we'll go and look again. 
(Tries to hurry her away.) 

Lola. 
We shall look in ze moonlight. I hope zat we shall 
find eet (looks at him languishly) — but not too 
queeckly ! Juan* 

(Steering her down R.) 
It doesn't look as if we would. (She precedes him 
off. As he follows he shakes his fist at her and looks 
despairingly toward tent. Exeunt Lola and Jim- 
mie down R.) 

Betty throws tent flap back and steps out. She 

trips on ouija board and kicks it angrily toward L. 

Jack enters up L. He jumps to avoid being hit by 

board. T 

Jack. 

Oh, it's you, is it, Betty? Don't bother to kill me. 

It looks like I'm a dead one already. 



60 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Betty. 
Oh, Jack, I'm sorry! I didn't see anyone coming. 

Jack. 
Why — you've been crying! What's the matter? 

Betty. 
(Sniffing and dabbing her eyes with her handker- 
chief.) 
Nothing. Can't I cry if I want to? 

Jack. 
You sure can. I almost think I could join you. 

Betty. 
Have you been having trouble, too? 

Jack. 

Trouble? Did you say trouble? Why, Betty, 

trouble is the only thing in addition to which I have 

nothing else. _ 

Betty. 

Mary? 

J Jack. 

You. said it; Mary. And also her Aunt Jane, the 

wild-animal tamer, and the flock of imported royalty. 

Betty. 

You think a lot of Mary, don't you, Jack? 

Jack. 

You said it again. Y^ou know, Betty, I want 

Mary to have the best in the world — in everything. 

If another fellow comes along and she likes him, and 

he's half-way good enough for Mary — well, then, he's 

a better man than I am, and I want her to get what 

she wants. But — .„ 

Betty. 

But what? 

Jack. 

Somehow or other, I can't help feeling that that 

pair aren't on the level. It was Mrs. Stoneham's 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 61 

doings that they came here. Mary isn't so crazy 
about him. Anybody can see that. Oh, well, maybe 
I'm jealous. Betty. 

(Anxiously.) 
What makes you think that the count and his sister 

aren't — on the level? , 

Jack. 

In the first place, she doesn't look any more like 

his sister than — you look like mine. 

Betty. 
That's so. And in the second place? 

Jack. 
And in the second place — well, that's as far as I 
can go. It's just a feeling. I think they're putting 
up a game to get her money. Confound her money ! 

Betty. 
Aren't you glad she has it? 

Jack. 

I am, of course — for her sake. But for my sake, 

I wish that she was flat broke. I wish she hadn't a 

penny in the world. Then I could say, "Mary, will 

you marry me?" ^ 

J J Betty. 

Why not say it anyway? 

Jack. 

Not a chance. Whatever I haven't got, at least 

I have some self-respect. Of course, that fellow may 

have money. But I haven't seen him spend a nickel 

since he blew in. Oh, the devil take Mary's millions ! 

Betty. 
(Smiling ruefully.) 
It looks as if the devil were trying to, doesn't it ! 
But speaking-of money, I want to ask you something. 
Is your road a safe investment ? 



62 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Jack. 

I hope it is. I consider the Consolidated Air Line 

the strongest, biggest, safest thing to be had. If 

it isn't I have more hard luck coming. I've got every 

cent I own tied up in it. It has to be good. Why? 

Betty. 
Oh, Mr. Stoneham was going to ask you, and 
{laughs) then Mrs. Stoneham stopped him. 

Jack. 

{Ironically.) 
Isn't that woman a wonderful friend of mine? She 
loves me like you love poison ivy. She's a fool, that 
woman is. Why, even her henpecked husband doesn't 
fall for the crude work of that painted, perfumed 
vampire- Betty 

{Suddenly.) 
The countess? Is she a vampire? 

Jack. 

Well, she sure looks the part, doesn't she? She 

goes around — „ 

Betty. 

{Weeping on Jack's shoulder.) 

Oh, Jimmie, Jimmie ! Forgive me ! You're not to 

blame if she's a vampire ! Jimmie, oh — ! 

Jack. 
{Interrupting her.) 
Wait a minute. I'm not Jimmie. And what's he 
been doing with the countess? 

Betty. 
{Between sobs.) 
I don't k-n-o-w what he's been doing! But he's 
been acting t-e-r-r-i-b-1-y ! 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 63 

Jack. 
(Astonished.) 
Well, what do you know about that ! 

Betty. 
I know e-n-o-u-g-h about it! I saw him with his 
a-r-m around her ! Oh ! ( Weeps on Jack's shoulder. 
He pets her in a brotherly way.) 

Jack. 
Well, Betty, you mustn't take on like that. Jim- 
mie's all right. Maybe you imagined it. 

Betty. 
Imagined it? And when he came back brazenly 
and told me that he had her "almost hooked" — I 
imagined that, too, I suppose? O-o-h! (Her head is 
still resting on Jack's shoulder, and he is trying to 
comfort her, when — ) 

Jimmie and Mary enter down R. They are both 
thunderstruck. Jack and Betty do not observe 
them, nor hear the next five speeches. Jimmie starts 
to rush at them and then changes his mind. He takes 
Mary's arm and tries to turn her around. 

Jimmie. 
(Quietly.) 
Come away, Miss Manners. This is no place for 
a young girl. u ^ 

(Looking at them over her shoulder.) 
Well I never, in all my life — ! 

Jimmie. 
You run along. I don't like to have ladies around 
when I do my murdering. 

Mary. 
They don't even know we're here, 



64 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

JlMMIE. 

(Gesturing impressively.) 
They will in a minute. (Goes close to Betty and 
Jack and strikes a pose, with folded arms.) Can I 
get my fortune told, too? 

(Betty and Jack draw apart quickly.) 

Betty. 
(Dabbing her eyes with her handkerchief '.) 
Oh, Jimmie, you've come back! It was all a mis- 
take ! T 

Jimmie. 

(Suspiciously.) 
Yes, that's what I told you. And now I suppose 
you'll tell me that this is, all* a mistake, too? 

Mary. 
(Going toward them.) 
Betty, I thought that you were a friend of mine. 
This seems to explain a good many things. 

Jimmie. 
I'm hanged if it explains a thing to me. 

Jack. 
Now wait a minute, folks. If you won't be quite 
so quick in jumping at conclusions — 

Mary. 

There is only one possible conclusion — 

Jimmie. 
There are as many conclusions as there are women 
in the world. That's all I know. 

Jack. 
If you'll just let me explain — 

Betty. 
(Suddenly assertive.) 
Wait, Jack. Fll explain. (Thinks a moment with 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 65 

a new idea, then takes a deep breath and says sud- 
denly:) Jack and I are engaged! 

Jack. 

What? ._ 

Mary. 

Engaged? -r 

Jimmie. 

Well, ril*be— 

Betty. 

(Pulling at Jack's sleeve.) 

We were going to keep it a secret, weren't we — 

Jack dear? (Makes signs at him.) 

Jack. 

Were we? .-, 

Hetty. 

Yes, Jack dear! (To the others.) But it seems 

best that you should know — 

Mary. 
It's time that we should know, anyway ! 

Betty. 

(Aside to Jack.) 

I have a hunch! You haven't lost her yet! Just 

back me up in this — 

Jimmie. 

Well, Betty, I suppose it's good-by? 

Betty. 
Oh, no. We're still friends. I want to have a 
l-o-n-g talk with you, and tell you a-1-1 about it. 
And Jack wants to talk with you, Mary. He has 
ever so many things to say, haven't you — Jack dear? 
(Nods her head vigorously so that Jack alone sees.) 
Come on, Jimmie. (Starts off up L.) 

Jack. 
(Aside to Betty.) 
What'll I say to her? 



66 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Betty. 

(Aside to him.) 

Anything. We're engaged. Make up the rest, 

and — lie like a thief! (To Jimmie, gaily.) All 

right, Jimmie. (Betty and Jimmie exeunt up L.) 

Mary. 
(Feigning disinterest.) 
Well, this is a surprise! 

Jack. 

Yes. Isn't it! (Pulls at his collar, etc., and shows 

uneasiness.) ,, 

J Mary. 

I think it is proper for me to congratulate you. 

Jack. 

Don't congratulate me. Congratulate Betty — 
she thought of it. , .. 

What ! Didn't you propose to her? 

Jack. 

I propose to her? To Betty? Why, the very — 

that is : — I suppose I must have. Yes, of course I 

did. I'm crazy about Betty. She's crazy, too — about 

me. •** 

Mary. 

You both have concealed it very well. And then 

you didn't mean — what you said — to me — 

Jack. 
Why, you kept telling me it was — impossible — 

Mary. 

(Sighing.) 
I suppose it was. That's what Aunt Jane said. 
But I had hoped it wasn't. 

Jack. 
Mary! Then you — 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 67 

Mary. 

But she says I have to marry Count De Selles. So 

I'm afraid I must. T 

Jack. 

Aren't you grown up? 

Mary. 

She doesn't think so. She says it's just a girlish 

romance. But what do you care? You're engaged 

to Betty. T 

J Jack. 

But you don't really love that — that fellow? 

Mary. 
{Matter of fact.) 
Good heavens! How could anybody? But Aunt 
Jane says people don't marry for love nowadays. 
She says it's old-fashioned; an exploded theory. 

Jack. 
Then you won't do anything — suddenly? 

Mary. 
Not likely! But what is it to you? You're en- 
gaged to Betty. T 

Jack. 

That's right. But it might — it might not be per- 
manent! ,, 

Mary. 

Have you lost your senses entirely? 

Jack. 
I wouldn't be surprised. 

Jane. 
{Offstage.) 

You must be patient with her, my dear Count ! She 

is such a child! T 

Jack. 

I — I guess it would sort of help if I drifted along, 

wouldn't it? 



68 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Mary. 
i Well, you know Aunt Jane. 

Jack. 
Unfortunately! ■_.. 

Besides, you must be awfully lonesome for Betty. 

Jack. 

Betty? Oh, yes — of course. (Exit up L.) 

Jane, Victor and Lola enter down R. 

Jane. 
Mary, who was that here with you? 

Mary. 

With me? T 

Jane. 

With you. ,.. 

J Mary. 

I — I can't say that I noticed. 

Jane. 
I have been discussing the matter with the count- 
ess and your future husband — 

Mary. 

My what? T 

J Jane. 

Your future husband. They both agree that noth- 
ing is to be gained by delay. 

Mary. 

Delaying what? T 

Your marriage, of course. 

Mary. 
But I haven't said that I would be married. 

Jane. 
You have nothing to do with it. / have said that 
you would. That is sufficient. 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 69 

Lola. 
(Ingratiatingly . ) 
Eet ees zat you are so young, my dear leetle 
Marie, zat you do not know what you wish. 

Jane. 
I know what it is. It's that impudent young fel- 
low who has been — T 

Loea. 

Oh, zat man? But, ma chere Marie, he ees not for 
you. I am a woman of ze world. I know. 

Victor. 
And I also am a man of ze world. Eet ees not me 
zat can be, what you say, bamboozled. When I see 
heem, I say to myself, zere ees one bad, bad man. 

Mary. 
How can you say such things? You are only talk- 
ing. You don't know him. 

Jane. 
Oh, don't we? Countess, tell her your experience. 

Loea. 

(Feigning reticence.) 

Eet ees nosing zat I would weesh to tell petite 

Marie. But pairhaps eet ees best. Ma cherie, would 

you believe zat zis man have come to me, have 

eensult me — have tried to keess me — have put hees 

arm around me — (covers her face with her hands). 

Oh, but eet ees terrible! 

Mary. 

I don't believe it! T 

Jane. 

Humph! Count, what is your impression? 

Victor. 
My seestair, she have say enough. But, eef you 
insis' — Miss Marie, have you f oun' your necklace yet ? 



70 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Mary. 

Victor. 
You have lose your necklace in ze store. Ze young 
man was in ze store. I have go in ze store to find 
ze necklace. Zis pairson was alone. When I come, 
he put somesing in ze pocket. Of course (shrugs) 
I do not call heem t'ief. But I tell you what I see, 
and what I know. What else ees eet possible? 

Mary. 
Why do you torture me like this? I know he didn't 
take the necklace. - 

JANE. 

Whatever you know or don't know, you know what 
our friends have seen for themselves. And I know, 
and the whole village knows, that he is trying to 
marry you for your money! 

Victor. 
(Shocked.) 
Oh, zat any man could do such sings — 

Lola. 

But such a monstair could do anysing! 

Mary. 

It is all talk — talk! Why don't you prove some- 
thing ? 

positions. 

Lola. Victor. 
Jane. Mary. 

Victor. 
Prove somesing? Aha! Je comprends. Be of pa- 
tience, Meess Mannairs. Ze murdair, as ze provairb 
say, weell come forwaird! (He takes the necklace 
from his pocket and, unobserved, hands it furtively 
to Lola, with a significant gesture.) 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 71 

Lola. *• 
(Concealing the necklace in her dress.) 
Eef eet ees prove, ma cherie, zat your gay friend 
who have insult me, zat he have take ze necklace, zen, 
pairhaps-? ^^ 

I don't believe a thing you have said. But if you 
prove — any of it — then I'll marry the count the very 
next minute! (Lola and Victor exchange encour- 
aging glances.) T 

Sometime, my dear, you will realize that your 
Aunt knows what is best for you. Now show Count 
De Selles where the ice cream booth is. I am sure 
you both will enjoy it. 

Victor. 

Eet ees ze great happiness ! (Extends his arm with 
a flourish. Mary takes it listlessly. Mary and Vic- 
tor exeunt down R.) 

Jane. 

Now, my dear Countess, I don't know much about 
the styles in these foreign marriages, but of course 
what you have said about the marriage settlement is 
all right. I've heard about those things. Of course, 
fifty thousand dollars — 

Lola. 
(Deprecatingly. ) 
A mere formality, chere Madame! Eet ees dees- 
tressing to spik of business, but eet ees comme il faut 
— what you say — ze always custom. 

Jane. 
Of course. Well, I've sent my husband to get the 
settlement — we always keep our securities at home, 
you know — and it will all be arranged very quickly. 



72 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Lola. 

Yes. Eet weell be well to have all zis finish. An' 
zen, when Mees Marie see her young frien' have take 
ze necklace— Jane 

{Eagerly.) 
Then you think he did? 

Lola. 

Madame, you have advised me well zat he should 
be "intairested." He ees very much intairested — 
and I have learned enough! 

Jane. 
Wonderful ! How can I thank you — 

Lola. 

Do not sank me. I weell see him and intairest him 

some more. T ■_ 

Jane. 

Then I'll go over and see the young people. (Exit 

down R.) 

(Lola, down stage, takes out necklace and looks 
at it, caressing it adoringly. Then, with a shrug of 
renunciation, she replaces it in her gown. She starts 
across L., when — ) 

Jimmie enters down L. 

Jimmie. 
( Embarrassed. ) 
Oh, hello. I thought it was — someone else. 

Lola. 

(Sweetly.) 

But could you weesh eet would be someone else? 
My frien', I have been so lonely wizout you. (Looks 
at him languishly and sits on bench.) 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 73 

JlMMIE. 

(Struggling with himself.) 
Oh, gee-whiz! Well, for a million dollars — (starts 

t0 sit ^ Lola. 

{Rising.) 

What? JlMMIE. 

(With an embarrassed laugh.) 
I said you looked like a million dollars. 

Lola. 
Oh. (She smiles and sits.) 

JlMMIE. 

I never knew anybody like you before. (Sits by 

her -) Lola. 

(Soulfully.) 

And I have never meet any man, anywhere, zat I 
like so much like I like you! (Nestles close to him.) 
You are so beeg, so fine, so strong! (Slips arm 
around his shoulder and fusses with his necktie with 
her free hand.) T 

J JlMMIE. 

Well, I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on 

m -y wa ?- Lola. 

(Coyly.) 

Such a funny sing, zis American slang. And you 
are such a funny man, and I like you so veree, veree 
much. (Gets necklace and drops it into his pocket.) 
And I sink you like me, too, a leetle bit — pairhaps? 
(Looks off L.) Here comes someone. I sink I had 
bettair go! Jimmie. 

(With obvious relief.) 

Well, of course, I don't want to hurry you. 



74 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Lola. 
(Blowing him a kiss,) 
Au revoir, bon ami. I weell see you — latair ! 
(Exit down R.) 

Jack enters down L, . 

Jimmie. 
(Recognizing him.) 
Oh, be still, my beating heart! I thought it was 

Bett J- Jack. 

I thought it was Betty here. Who was it? 

Jimmie. 

My first customer. Boy, I'm going to sell enough 

stock to make us rich for life. 

Jack. 

To a woman? T 

Jimmie. 

Sure. Oh, you tried to keep me from getting wise, 

but I doped it out. Watch my smoke. I'll soon be 

accepting a check from the lady millionaire. 

Jack. 

Mai T? Jimmie. 

Whatch-a doing — kidding me? I guess I know a 
million dollars when I see it. It's the countess, of 
course. Any fool can see that. 

Jack. 
Yes, it takes a fool to. You poor fish! 

Jimmie. 
(Astounded.) 
You mean — it's Mary? Your Mary? And I 
thought — (extends his hands). Tie my hands to- 
gether, will you? I'm going to jump in the lake! 
I've lost my one and only customer. I've lost my 
one and only girl. What is there to live for? 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 75 

Jack. 
{Teasing him.) 

Well, you are a sad lover. I doped you for a 
mud horse with Dan Cupid up. Why, kid, it's al- 
ways heavy going with a bunch of lace like Betty — 

Jimmie. 
{Pathetically.) 
Aw, cut it out, will you? {Sudden thought.) But 
then, why in thunder is the countess crazy about me? 

Jack. 

Who said she was? 

Jimmie. 

Listen, if you could see the way she acts, nobody 

would need to say anything ! Talk about fast work ! 

She has chain lightning slowed down like the rural 

free delivery. T 

J Jack. 

Has she? T 

Jimmie. 

I'll say she has! And I had to follow along, be- 
cause I thought I was going to make a big sale. And 
then Betty saw us, and — say! How about your be- 
ing engaged to Betty? 

Jack. 

You'll have to ask Betty. Jimmie, old pal, that 
pair are working up some kind of rough stuff. In 
going after Mary's millions they don't mind going 
off the level. What do you think it means? 

Jimmie. 
It means plenty of trouble for me. 

Enter Ezra up L. 

Ezra. 
Jack, I've been lookin' for ye all over the lot. 



76 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

I want to ask ye about this here Consolidated Air 
Line, Is it a good investment? 

Jack. 
Well, Mr. Stoneham, I have everything of mine 
in it— two thousand dollars. That shows what I 
think of it. ^ 

EZRA. 

Waal, I want to buy some stock, and a lot of it, 
and in a hurry. Something that ain't so durned ne- 
gotiable, -r 

° JiMMIE. 

What do you mean? 

Ezra. 
Jane bothers me all the time. She just made me 
give her fifty thousand in government bonds — 

Jimmie. 
Fifty thousand dollars ! 

Ezra. 
Yep. An' she gave it to this here countess, an' 
says it's a marriage settlement — whatever that be. 

Jack. 
She gave Mary's money to that woman? 

Ezra. 
Yep. An' if I don't step lively, she'll give 'er the 
rest. So I want to tie it up good an' tight, where 
she can't git holt of it, and I cal'late this here con- 
solidated — T 

Jimmie. 

How much do you want to put in? 

Ezra. 
Oh, I don't know. All they is left. 

Jack. 
Why, that's nearly three million. You shouldn't 
do it in a hurry — 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 77 

Ezra. 
Got to do it in a hurry, the way Jane's carryin' 
on, or it won't git did a-tall. 

Jimmie. 

There's something in that. {Looks significantly 

at Jack.) Well, we'll help you pick out something 

good tomorrow — _, 

& Ezra. 

Tomorrer my foot ! We slap it all into Consoli- 
dated Air Line, an' we do it now. You're a stock 
broker, ain't ye? Come up to the house and git the 
durn stuff. (Exit energetically up L.) 

Jimmie. 
Well, what do you know about that! 

Jack. 
Fifty thousand — gone! 

Jimmie. 
And the rest going fast. Jack, old timer, we've 
got to get the boodle away from that pair of crooks. 

Jack. 

(Dejectedly.) 

Easier said than done. Let's have* a cigarette and 

try to dope it out. T 
u Jimmie. 

(Reaches for cigarette case and takes out necklace.) 

Say — what's this? T 
J Jack. 

It's a necklace — Mary's pearl necklace ! 

Jimmie. 
But how in thunder did I — did it — ? (Looks 
blankly at Jack.) t 

( Taking necklace from him. ) 
Give me that. 



78 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

JlMMIE. 

(Dazed.) 
Sure. I don't want it. 

Jack. 
You big dub! Can't you see? 

Jimmie. 

I'm stone blind. T 

Jack. 

Did the countess, er — reach the affectionate stage? 

Jimmie. 

I'll say she did! T 

J Jack. 

Planted ! 

Jimmie. 

(Enlightened and chagrined.) 
Oh, you baby vamp ! Jack, I'm going to get meas- 
ured for a bib and hire a nurse. I'm mentally defi- 
cient. But why did she pick on me? 

Jack. 

That's the next question. 

Jimmie. 
(Doing some heavy thinking.) 
Wait a minute ! I've got it ! They're trying to 
frame you, and they think I'm the one who is in love 
with Mary! Jack 

(Chuckling softly.) 
I believe, my dear Watson, that you are improv- 
ing. I'll keep the necklace. 

Jimmie. 
But what'll you do? 

Jack. - 
Wait till they spill their own beans. Meantime, 
they'll accuse you, and you'll be clear. 



MARY'S MILLION S. 79 

Enter Ezra up L. 

Ezra. 
Be you fellers comin'? 

Jack. 
All right. (To Jimmie.) Let's go! 

(Ezra, Jack and Jimmie exeunt L.) 

Enter Betty and Mrs. Mudge down R., the latter 
carrying a light chair or folding stool. 

Mrs. Mudge. 
(Taking chair to tent.) 

There now, dearie. I'll just show you how to tell 
fortunes if you want to be real scientific. (Arranges 
the tzw) chairs facing each other.) Trying to read 
palms is all nonsense anyway — 

Betty. 
Oh, Mrs. Mudge — I don't feel like being scientific. 

Mrs. Mudge. 
Wait till you see it work. (Picks up board and 
planchette and sits on one of the chairs.) Sit down, 
dearie, and I'll show you. 

Jane. 
(Offstage.) 

Why, Count, you haven't had your fortune told 
yet. Come over here and we'll see the gypsy queen — 

Mrs. Mudge. 
There ! Now's our chance. 

Jane, Victor, Lola and Mary enter up R. 

Jane. 

Betty, we've all come to get our fortunes told. 



80 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Mrs. Mudge. 
Well, now, Mrs. Stoneham, you've come just at 
the right minute to get a regular scientific fortune. 
Betty's going to tell fortunes with the ouija board. 

Lola. 

(Interested.) 

Ze ouiia board? x 

J Jane. 

How does it work? 

Mrs. Mudge. 

I'll show you. It answers any question you ask. 

You just need two people to run it that are psychic. 

Betty. 
(Indifferently.) 
I don't feel psychic this evening. 

Mrs. Mudge. 
Somebody has to help me. I can't work it alone. 
Who is real psychic? (Looks from one to the other.) 

Jane. 

Suppose you try, my dear Count? And we'll have 

your fortune told. TT 

J Victor. 

(With superstitious fear,) 

Oh, — no sank you! I am not — what you say — 

psychic. Lqla 

(With ill-concealed eagerness.) 

People have tell me zat I am psychic. Pairhaps I 

can help? ,, 

r Mrs. Mudge. 

Oh, yes, Countess, you have a real psychic look. 

Just set down. (Lola sits in the chair opposite Mrs. 

Mudge, who arranges the outfit on their knees.) 

Now, just put your fingers on it, real light, and 

vacate your mind, and it will answer any question. 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 81 

Jane. 

What shall we ask? (All are at a loss for a mo- 

menL ) Lola. 

(Craftily.) 
I am told zat ze ouija board can sometimes find 
ze sings which are lost? 

Jane. 

(Thinking she has an original idea.) 

Then let's find out who stole Mary's necklace ! 

Boggs enters up R. 

Boggs. 
What's this about Mary's necklace? 

Mrs. Mudge. 
We are going to ask ouija who stole it. 

Boggs. 

What? That crazy new-fangled fortune-tellin' 

board? (Skeptically.) Humph! I don't take no stock 

in 'em. I foller the dee-ductive method. I'm lookin' 

f'r clues right now. The constabule of Rocky Holler 

never sleeps! (Victor fidgets.) How does the durn 

thing work? .._ _ _ 

& Mrs. Mudge. 

Now, ouija — who stole Mary's necklace? 

Jack and Jimmie enter up L., unobservedt They 
watch the group. 

POSITIONS. 

Tent. Jimmie. Jack. 

Boggs. Betty. 
Lola. Mrs. Mudge. 

Jane Mary. 

Victor. 



82 MARY'S MILLIONS. 



BOGGS. 

I swan to glory! It's movin'! 

Mrs. Mudge. 
Concentrate, Countess ! Concentrate ! What does 
it say? My eyes are tight shut. 

Betty. 
{Looking over her shoulder.) 

"J"! 

(Victor is decidedly relieved.) 

Jane. 

Well, I never! _, 

Boggs. 

Thar she goes ag'in, dog my cats ! 

Jane. 

A ' Mary. 

(Nervously.) 
It's perfectly absurd! I don't think people ought 
to fool with things like that. 

Victor. 
(Placidly.) 
Eet ees very intairesting. 

Boggs. 
I'll be gum swizzled! It's pointin' to "C"! 

Jane. 
J-A-C— .„ 

BOGGS. 

Next letter's "K" ! T 

Jane. 

And it has stopped moving. I'm not a bit sur- 
prised. We know who stole the pearls. Mary, are 
you convinced? ^ 

By playing tricks with silly old boards? Of course 
I'm not convinced! 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 83 

Jane. 

(Seeing Jack and Jimmie.) 

There they are now, that pair of precious rascals. 

Constable Boggs, I call on you to do your duty. 

Arrest the man who stole Mary's necklace. (Points.) 

There stands the thief! 

Jack. 

Who, me? Say, I reckon that's going pretty far, 

isn't it? t, 

Boggs. 

Can't pinch nobody without no proof. 

Mary. 

It's absolutely monstrous ! Of course there is no 
proof! There can't be! 

Jane. 
But the ouija board said — 

Boggs. 
I don't take my clues off no Fiji board. 

Lola. 
(Seeing she has blundered.) 
I am sure — I am veree psychic, ees eet not so, 
Madame Moodge? — and I am veree sure it means ze 
ozair man! (Points to Jimmie.) 

Betty. 
Jimmie? Not in a thousand years! 

Mary. 
Of course not! It's the silliest nonsense! 

Jane. 

If it's nonsense, we can soon find out. I believe 

in the ouija board. I insist that Jack Henderson be 

searched. At once ! T 

Lola. 

But I am sure eet mean ze ozair man! 



84 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

JlMMIE. 

Me? Say, — that's a funny joke. 

Mrs. Mudge. 
Well, the Countess is real psychic all right. I 
could feel her psychology all up and down my spine. 

Victor. 
(Smoothly.) 
Eet ees very intairesting ! 

Jimmie. 
Come on, Boggsie. These birds are all from Mis- 
souri. Go ahead and frisk me. Oh, don't mind. I 
won't get mad. Jane 

Search him, constable ! 

Boggs. 

I sure hate t' do it! (Inspects Jimmie's pockets 
rapidly) — but no harm won't come from it, ?cause 
I guess I know a feller who's on the level when I see 
him. ( When he empties the pocket where the neck- 
lace was planted, Lola stifles a cry of surprise with 
her handkerchief. Boggs completes the search.) 
Waal, folks, hope you're satisfied. Clean as a 

whistle - Lola. 

But — let me look! T 

Jimmie. 

Go ahead, queenie. (Takes her hand and opens it.) 

But first let me see that the professor has nothing 

up the sleeve. LolX 

(Having searched in vain, turns away angrily.) 
Eet ees — my meestake ! 

Boggs. 
Now for our French friend. (Goes toward Vic- 

*' Victor. 

What ees zis? 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 85 

Jane. 

Mr. Boggs! What do you suggest? Don't touch 
that man! BoGGS 

I won't touch him. I jest want to feel him an' see 
if he's real. Step up, Countie! (Jane steps forward 
to interfere. Boggs calmly pushes back his vest and 
thrusts his star at her. Then he looks fiercely at 
Victor, who comes to him.) 

Victor. 

Sucheensult! BoGGS 

{Searching Victor rapidly.) 
We'll find out about that. I'm lookin' f 'r clues, 
an' the constabule of Rocky Holler never fails to 
catch his man! Victor. 

{Jauntily.) 
But I have nosing to conceal. 

Boggs. 
{Having turned all Victor's pockets inside out.) 
Nothin' to conceal is right. Nothin' but the even- 
in' breeze! Jane 

Impertinence ! But we have not yet listened to the 
ouija board. Constable, search Jack Henderson! 

Jack. 
{Uneasily.) 
Me? Why, what an idea! 

Mary. 
Haven't we had enough of this silly nonsense? 

Jane. 
He was in the store when Mary lost her necklace. 
No one else was. Victor. 

{Eagerly.) 
And I have seen him pick up somesing. But al- 
ways he deny ! Deny ! Me, ze Count Victor De Selles, 



86 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

I have been insult ! Ees zis fortune huntair too good 
for ze same? Jane 

(To Boggs.) 
I insist on your searching that man! 

Boggs. 
Waal, Jack, it can't do no harm — 

Jack. 

I tell you I didn't steal the necklace! Isn't my 

word good? T 

° Jane. 

Not with us, it isn't. 

Jack. 

It's good with you, isn't it, Mary? 

Mary. 
(Influenced by Jane.) 
You can easily prove your innocence to every- 
body. Let Abija search you. 

Jack. 
I swear to you, Mary — I swear to all of you — 

Victor. 

Aha ! Again he deny ! He refuse ! He prove heem- 

self guilty! x 

B J Jane. 

Constable, you were looking for clues. I demand 

that you follow this one down! 

Boggs. 
Waal, Jack, I got to look ye over. An' then we'll 
stop this monkey business. 

Jack. 
(Quietly.) 
Never mind, Abija. (Takes necklace from pocket 
and hands it to him.) There's the necklace. 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 87 

Mary. 

Oh, Jack! TT 

Victor. 

Aha! • , 

Jack. 

I told you I didn't take it, and I say so again. I 

found it! x 

Jane. 

Well, constable, do you still refuse to arrest him? 

Boggs. 

Boy, I sure do hate to take you. But I reckon I 

g° tto! Jane. 

(To Mary.) 

Now! You see? , , 

Mary. 

Victor, I accept your proposal. I said I would 

marry you any time. I will. 

Victor. 

My darleeng! My angel! 

Lola. 

(To Jane.) 
No time like ze present ! She ees young ! She ees 
deeff eecult ! Let zem be married now ! Eef you wish 
your niece to be a countess, now ees ze time ! 

Jane. 

And Abija is justice of the peace. We'll do it! 

(To Boggs.) Mr. Boggs, you have done your duty 

as constable. I now call on you as justice of the 

peace. ,. 

r Boggs. 

Jestice of the peace? What fur? 

Jane. 
To unite my niece and the Count De Selles in mar- 
riage ! T, 
° Boggs. 

Ain't got no license. 



88 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Jane. 

You are the county clerk. You issue one right 

now - Mary. 

Oh, Aunt Jane! J ANE . 

Not another word! You will learn how to keep 
a promise! Victor. 

Yes, yes ! Ze marriage weell take place at once ! 

(To Mary.) Oh, my rosebud! My shining star in 

ze moonlight! My — _ 

& J Boggs. 

(Shouting.) 

Hey! All you folks jest hold y'r hosses a minute. 

Before Jestice o' the Peace Boggs goes to splicin' 

any folks, Constabule Boggs will do some arrestin'. 

Count Victor De Selles, you're pinched! 

Victor. 
Peench? Jane 

Monstrous! On what grounds? 

Boggs. 
Right here* on these grounds. 

Victor. 
(Trying to outbluff his fright.) 
But wiz what am I charge? 

Boggs. 
No charge. Free, gratis, f'r nothin'. Look at 
them pockets o' his'n. Plumb empty. Not a bean 
in 'em. Count Victor De Selles, you are completely 
broke, an' I therefore take pleasure in arrestin' you, 
under the sacred laws o' this here State o' New 
Hampshire, as a plain, ordinary, everyday, common 
vag! (Snaps handcuffs on Victor.) Come on, Jack! 

Victor, Jack and Boggs exeunt down L.' 

Slow Curtain. 



MARY'S MILLIONS 



The Third Act. 
Scene: Same as Act I. Two days later. 

The curtain rises upon Ezra, who is seated at the 

high desk, his shoulders hunched over, writing in 

the ledger. Jimmie enters R. E., whistling softly. 

He goes C. and stands with his hands in his 

pockets. T 

Jimmie. 

Morning, Mr. Stoneham. 

Ezra. 

(Looking at Jimmie, then turning back to his book.) 

Humph ! T 

Jimmie. 

Any mail for me? 

Ezra. 

(Peevishly, turning toward him.) 

You know durn well there ain't been no letters f'r 

you, n'r f'r anybody else, the last two days. How kin 

they be, sence somebody burned the railroad bridge 

at Maple Grove? 'Spect 'em to bring th' mail by 

airyplane ? T 

Jimmie. 

Well, well! That's too bad. . 

Ezra. 
Yep. You're sorry — like a crocodile. Plays right 
into the hands of you conspirators. The idee o' 
that pig-headed Boggs leavin' the count locked up 
on bread an' water f'r two days, while the thief goes 
around on his own recognizance ! 

89 



90 MARY'S MILLIONS. 



JlMMIE. 

Well, no use arguing now. 'Bije caught the last 
train to the citj before the bridge went down, and 
nothing can be done till he gets back. 

Ezra. 
And him appointin' you the jailor. Fine business 1 

Lola enters L. E. 

JlMMIE. 

Good morning, Countess — (imitating her). My 

veree good frien'! T 

& Lola. 

I do not spik wiz creemeenals. I shall appeal to 

ze consul! I shall — T 

JlMMIE. 

Go as far as you like, dearie. No use confining 
^yourself to taking newspapers and the neighbors' 
milk. (Starting for R. E.) Well, I guess I'll ram- 
ble along to the hoozgow and feed the animals. So 
long, sweetie! (Exit R. E.) 

Lola. 

Monstair ! _ 

Ezra. 

Kind o' funny, seems to me, how Abija got a ex- 
cuse to pinch your brother in the fust place. How 
did he come to be broke? 

Lola. 
Broke? Oh, wizeut money? My brozair, he have 
a lofty mind, and he cannot sink of such sings as 
money. Ugh! Money! Eet make ze disgust! 

Ezra. 

Humph ! 

Lola. 

I shall send a message to some friends in New 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 91 

York. I go now to ze telegraph office. (Exit R. E.) 

(Ezra looks after her, scratches his head with pen 

handle and resumes writing.) 

Mary and Jane enter L. E. 

Mary. 
But why soold me, Aunt Jane? You don't think 
I'm enjoying it, do you? 

Jane. 
You don't think the count is enjoying it, do you? 
The idea ! Why the thieves are allowed to roam at 
large is beyond comprehension. And Boggs go- 
ing away and leaving that disreputable Jimmie 
Barnes in charge of the poor, innocent count ! It's 
an outrage! M 

But, Aunt Jane — T 

Jane. 

It's all your fault, you ungrateful child ! If you 

had accepted the count in the first place you would 

have spared us all this awful humiliation! 

Mary. 

But, Aunt Jane — T 

Jane. 

But no ! You preferred a thief ! 

Mary. 
How was I to know that he — 

Jane. 
Because I told you ! And I am always right ! This 
is all the gratitude I get for my loving care — 

Ezra. 
(Out of patience.) 
Gosh all hemlock, Jane ! How kin I do any fig- 
gerin' with a racket like that goin' on? 



92 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Jane. 
Don't speak to me ! If you had a spark of man- 
hood you'd — (losing all self-control). If you don't 

like it, get out! ^ 

s Ezra. 

Humph ! Good idee ! ( Goes to L. E. and calls off. ) 

Hey, Eudory, come an' mind the store. (Exit L. E.) 

Jane. 

There! A thankless niece and. a shiftless husband! 
The idea of his turning over your entire fortune for 
investment to those adventurers ! Between you, you've 
ruined every chance — (sees others coming and 

^ '" Jack and Betty enter R, E. 

Betty. 
Hello, everybody. T 

They say the bridge will be fixed any time and 
then the train can come through. 

Mary. 
Oh, if Abi j a would only come back ! 

Jane. 

(Getting between Mary and Jack.) 

Betty Barlowe! Have you no shame? Associating 

with criminals ! T 

Jack. 

Speaking personally, Mrs. Stoneham? 

Jane. 
(Loftily.) 
I have no dealings with thieves and fortune hunt- 
ers. Come, Mary! (Exit L. E.) 

Betty. 
Wait a minute, Mary. (Mary hesitates,) 

Jack. 
I won't bite you. I'm harmless. 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 93 

Mary. 

Everything is so awfully mixed up. 

Betty. 
Do you want to listen to a secret? 

Mary. 
You have already told me of your engagement. 
But I don't see why you insist on brazening it out. 
After — ( hesitates) . Betty. 

{Laughing.) 
But Jack isn't a thief, you silly girl! 

Mary. 
Then where did he get the necklace? 

Betty. 
From Jimmie. Mary. 

{Skeptically.) 
Is that what he says now? 

Betty. 
That's what Jimmie says, too. 

Mary. 
Then where did Jimmie find it? 

Jack. 

In his pocket. ,„. 

^ Mary. 

Very likely ! T 

J J Jack. 

It doesn't sound very likely, but it happens to be 

true. _, 

Mary. 

Well, go on with your story. Who gave it to 

Jimmie ? T 

Jack. 

That's the end of my story. The rest is to be 

continued. ,, 

Mary. 

Well, if it's true, why didn't you say something? 

What does Abija think? 



94 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Jack. 

Boggs doesn't know. Time enough when we see 
what he finds out in New York. Meanwhile — watch- 
ful waiting. ^ 

° Jdetty. 

Quiet ! Here comes somebody ! 

Enter Eudora, followed by Jane, L. E> 

Jane. 

Now, Eudora, keep a sharp eye on the store, and 
from this time on we will allow absolutely no loafing. 
There seems to be no police protection, but we'll keep 
all criminals out of the store if I have to use Ezra's 
shotgun myself! (Glares at Jack.) Mary! Come 
away from that creature ! Do you intend to follow 
him to the penitentiary? 

Jack. 
(Easily.) 

I reckon I don't want to be the cause of any target 
practice. Guess I'll be traveling. 

Jane. 

(Viciously.) 
You'd better! Jack 

(Looking out R. E.) 
Hello, here comes the countess. Now I'm sure I 
don't want to hang around. Keep your eye open, 
Jimmie. So long, Mary. (Exit casually, R. E.) 

Jane. 
How long must we put up with such things? 

Lola enters in a rage, R. E. 

Lola. 

Such eensult ! Such outrage ! I cannot send ze 

telegram ! Zey send whole book ! Zey — oh, eet ees 
too much! 



. MARY'S MILLIONS. 95 

Jane. 
More criminal work ! Do jou know anything about 
this, Betty? Betty. 

{Innocently.) 
Jack seems to be converting a heathen friend in 

New York. T 

Jane. 

What do you mean? 

Betty. 
He's telegraphing the Bible. He started yester- 
day, and nobody can use the wire till he's finished 

Jane. 

To think that such things can happen in a civil- 
ized country ! But I'm going to get decisive action ! 
I'm going to appeal to the governor! 

Betty. 
But how can you? The bridge down, the telegraph 
tied up — ? ^ 

r ElJDORA. 

{Behind counter and idly leaning on it.) 
Looks to be as if we was quarantined as tight as 
if we all had smallpox. 

Jane. 
I'll complain to the village board! 

Enter Boggs, R. E., unobserved. He stands in the 

doorway. 

Eudora. 
What's the use? Abija is the village board, be- 
sides bein' the constabule, jestice of the peace and 

county clerk. ^ 

J Betty. 

Yes, and he's also chief of the fire department — 

Eudora. 
Agent fr the Great Eastern Millin' Company — 



96 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Betty. 
Supervisor of roads, and president of the school 
board— Eudora. 

Agent for the Spread Eagle Harvester Com- 

^ ^ Boggs. 

(Coming down and crossing to C, impressively, with 
thumbs in vest armholes.) 
Superintendent of the asylum, committee on ways 
an' means, chairman o' the poor board, movin' pitch- 
er censor, county chairman^ 

Jane. 

Viper! ' 

Boggs. 

No, ma'am. They ain't been no snakes in Rocky 

Holler sence the eighteenth amendment — 

Jimmie enters hastily, R. E. 

Jimmie. 

Mr. Boggs, I just heard the train was in and you 

were here. I want a few words with you, if you don't 

mind. T 

Jane. 

Get out of this store, you wretch, or I'll put you 

out! 

Boggs. 

Hey ! We don't want no saltin' an' batterin' 

around here ! T 

Jane. 

Is there no such thing as justice? Oh, it is hope- 
less! Come, Countess! (Exit angrily, followed by 

Loea, L. E.) _, 

Boggs. 

Eudory, go an' watch her and see that she don't 

git violent. Gosh all hickory! 

Etjdora. 
Talk about your wild, wild women! (Exit L. E.) 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 97 



BOGGS. 

(As she goes.) 
Oh, Eudory, you do say the durndest things ! 

Jimmie. 
(Eagerly, to Boggs.) 
Well, what did you find out in New York? 

Boggs. 
Not a gosh durn thing. (Takes knife and stick 
from hip pocket.) ^ 

(Greatly disappointed.) 

You didn't find any criminal record for either of 

them? -r^^o 

Boggs. 

(Whittling.) 

How could I? They showed me about two million 

pitchers in their rogues' gallery, and asked me if I 

could identify 'em. I picked out a couple o' dozen 

and the durn cops blame near fired me out o' the 

ding-busted police station. Say, Jimmie, what's a 

cuckoo? That's what they said I was. 

Betty. 
It lcoks as if we're going to have a hard time 
proving that they stole the necklace. 

Boggs. 
Look like Jack's goin' to have a time provin' that 
he didn' steal it. That's what's worryin' me. 

Jimmie. 
Oh, he didn't steal it. 

Boggs. 
I hope not. But where did he get it? 

Betty. 
From Jimmie. 



98 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

BOGGS. 
(To JlMMIE.) 

From you? (Jimmie nods. Boggs snaps his knife 

shut.) Waal, I wanta know! Have I got-a pinch 

you, now? _ 

Jimmie. 

Any time you say. Go ask Jack. He'll tell you 
just what happened. (Boggs starts out.) Oh, say, 
Mr. Boggs. (Boggs stops and turns.) No use play- 
ing this waiting game any longer. Something tells 
me it's time for a show down. Tell Jack to call off 
his telegraph trust. Get your prisoner and bring 

him up here. _ 

Boggs. 

(Putting knife and stick in pocket.) 

What's the big idee? 

Jimmie. 
I don't know. I've just got a hunch that a little 
third degree stuff would be healthy. 

Boggs. 

Wall, I got-a leave him out some time, anyway. 

(Exit R. E.) 

Jimmie. 

That's tough. I thought sure he'd get something 
on those birds from the New York cops. Are we 
out-a luck? I'll say we are. 

Betty. 
What are you going to do? 

Jimmie. 

Search me. I'm just hoping something will turn 

up. Say, Betty, on the level now — are you really 

engaged to Jack ? _ 

Betty. 

Well, supposing I weren't — what then? 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 99 

\ 

JlMMIE. 

Then supposing you were engaged to me. 

Betty. 
All right, — supposing first that you had asked me. 

JlMMIE. 

Well, then, supposing you found out that I — 
had been — in a crooked deal? 

Betty. 
Jimmie! Surely — not the necklace? 

JlMMIE. 

Of course not. I don't steal things — intentionally. 
But if you found out that I had been mixed up 
with — well, to be frank, with a gang of swindlers? 

Betty. 

{Coolly.) 

Why, naturally, I'd break off our engagement. 

Jimmie. 
Then I'm glad the engagement is imaginary. 

Betty. 
Do you mean — what you said is — true? 

Jimmie. 
Here's the layout. I discovered right after I came 
out here that the brokers I'm working for aren't 
straight. They're shoving a lot of phoney stuff. 

Betty. 
Then why didn't you expose them?' 

Jimmie. 

Because Jack was mixed up in this air line. 

Betty. 

Jack, too? T 

Jimmie. 

Oh, Jack thinks it's all on the level. Why, he has 

every bit of his savings tied up in it! And I've been 



100 MARY'S MILLIONS. 



hoping that this project, at least, was O. K. They 

seem to be operating. Still it looks fishy. But until 

I get evidence, I can't tell Jack he's playing in a 

swindle. -r, 

Betty. 

Well? T 

JlMMIE. 

I wanted to be square with you, that's all. Jack 

or no Jack, I'm going to get a sure enough white 

man's job, and then I'm going to propose to you 

again — -r, 

& Betty. 

Again? You have to do a thing once before you 

can do it again. But Jimmie. Are you sure you're 

honest? You've been trying to sell stock to the 

countess ! T 

Jimmie. 

Oh, well, you can tell by her looks that if she had 

any money she must have stolen it from somebody. 

Betty. 
( Mischievously. ) 
You noticed that as soon as you saw her, didn't 

•* ' Jimmie. 

Have a heart, will you? I know I'm a poor dub, 

but — Boggs. 

(Offstage.) 
Come on, your royal highness ! Step lively ! Gid- 
dap! 

Enter Victor, R. E., handcuffed and dressed as in 
Act II, but much the worse for wear. He is sullen 
and tries to appear defiant. He is propelled into 
the store by the boot of Boggs, who follows him in, 



Jimmie. 
Where's Jack? 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 101 

BOGGS. 

Decided his friend was converted, and went over 
to call off the Sunday School lesson. He'll be along 
directly. (Crosses to L. and sits on high stool, with 
his back against the desk. He faces R. and places his 
elbows comfortably against the desk.) 

Enter Jane, L. E., followed by Ezra. 

Jane. 

What's all this racket? ' (Sees Victor.) Well, 

Abija, you're coming to your senses. Take off those 

handcuffs ! T7 

Victor. 

I am eensult ! I am abuse ! I am treat like one fat 

peegllam- j^ 

(Deliberately but firmly.) 
Sit down and fan yourself, Count. Your collar's 
wilted. (Takes out knife and stick.) 

Ezra. 

Bije, ain't it time f'r us to have a leetle peace an' 

quiet — ? „. 

^ Boggs. 

It's time to have so'thin', Ezry, but I don't know 

jest yit what it'll be. 

Mary enters L. E. Eudora follows her and stands, 
half -frightened but curious, in the doorway. 

Mary. 
Oh, Aunt Jane. I — 

Jane. 
Go away, child. This is no place — 

Boggs. 
Leave her stay right here, Aunt Jane. We want 
all the witnesses. Where's the Countess? 



102 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

EuDORA. 

(Excitedly.) 
She's in the house, Bije! 

-, , , , . BOGGS. 

retch her in. 

Eudora exits L. E. Mrs. Mudge enters R. E. 

Mrs. Mudge. 

(Out of breath.) 

Oh, dear me! I saw Mr. Boggs bring the count 

up here, and I just had the spirit of William the 

Conqueror on the ouija board, and something told 

me — BOGGS. 

(Pounding on desk with ink well.) 
Order in the court ! Shut up ! Order ! An' nobody 
hadn't better yell ham an' eggs, 'cause I ain't feelin' 
comical ! 

Jack enters R. E. He is very quiet and shows the 
effect of a sudden shock. 

Jane. 

There's the man that ought to have handcuffs on. 
And he will have, soon enough ! We'll see to that !. 

Lola enters L. E., followed by Eudora. 

Boggs. 
(Sternly, and ponding as before.) 
Shut up ! Order in the court ! (Sees Jack's expres- 
sion and speaks in a kindly tone.) Why, son, some- 
thin's happened. What's wrong? 

Jack. 
(Quietly, but with agitation.) 
The Consolidated Air Line. It's gone to smash. 
It's failed. (Holds out a telegram.) 
(Jimmie and Betty exchange glances. Boggs re- 
sumes whittling.) 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 103 

Ezra. 
Busted! An' all o' Mary's millions gone with it! 

Jane. 
Ezra, why on earth did you — 

Ezra. 
Waal, that feller (indicating Jimmie) told me it 
was O. K. so I bought the stock with Mary's money — 

Jane. 
But why? EzRA 

(Desperately.) 
To keep you from gettin' it, if ye want to know! 
(Weakly.) It was ag'in my own judgment, but they 
told me — him an' Jack both — 

Jane. 
Aha ! I thought so ! Well, Jack Henderson, you 
don't confine yourself to stealing jewelry. You vic- 
timize a poor, feeble-minded old man — 

Ezra. 
(Aroused.) 

He y ? ■ BoGGS. 

(Pounding.) 

Hold y'r hosses an' shut up, the hull gosh durn 

crowd! Where do you think you are, in — (mentions 

nearby insane asylum) ? Order ! Now, Jimmie, what 

you got to say? T 

J ° J Jimmie. 

He wanted to invest ,in a hurry. I advised him to 

think it over, because it was such a large sum, and — 

Jane. 
I insist that they both be arrested at once, as swin- 
dlers ! He has made my niece a pauper ! 

Mary. 
Well, Aunt Jane, he's lost all his own money, too. 



104 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Everything he had was in the Air Line. Wasn't it, 

Jack? (Jack nods.) T 

v J Jane. 

(Loudly.) 

It's all talking and nothing doing! I want to see 

some action taken — ! „ 

Boggs. 

(Interrupting and picking up ink well as if to throw 

it at her.) 
You want to see action? How'd you like to see a 
murder ? Order in the court ! Waal, Jack, you're ac- 
cused o' swindlin' — T 

Jimmie. 

Wait a minute, Mr. Boggs. I'll assume that 
charge, to save time, and plead guilty* 

Betty. 

Guilty? Oh, Jimmie! 

JlMMIE. 

What's next on the docket? 

Boggs. 
(Frowning judicially.) 
We now come to the illegal burglary of this here 
necklace. (Takes necklace from vest pocket and 
holds it in the palm of his hand.) Now, Count, you 
say Miss Manners sent you here to get the necklace 
that she dropped. (Victor nods eagerly.) An' you 
say when you come in you seen Mr. Henderson pick 
up the necklace an' stuff it in his pocket? 

Victor. 
(Excitedly.) 
Zat ees eet, precisement! I see heem pick up ze 
necklace an' put een ze pocket ! 

Boggs. 
You sure it was this here? (Holds it out.) 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 105 



Victor. 
I can mek no meestake! 

Boggs. 
All right, Jack. What you got to say? (Hands 
necklace to Mary and resumes whittling.) 

Jack. 
Nothing new. I was here when Mary went out. 
I sat here smoking. She came back looking for the 
necklace. I didn't see the necklace. I didn't see the 
count. That evening Jimmie found the necklace in 
his pocket. I suspected it was a frame-up, so I took 
it. Then if he was accused, he wouldn't be the vic- 
tim. You saw what happened. 

Boggs. 

(Meditatively.) 
Humph! (Pause.) Waal, Count, the fust time you 
told about it, you said you saw him pick up some- 
thin* an' left the rest to insinooation. Now you reck- 
onize the necklace as what he picked up. Humph ! 
(Pause.) Now, if I was findin' somethin' vallyble 
with a view to keepin' it, I kind o' think I'd have 
my eye peeled. Don't hardly cal'late I'd have my 
back turned towards the door where somebody might 
see me. An' if anybody seen me, I cal'late they'd 
reckonize what I picked up, right off, if they could 
remember it so good two days later. 

Lola. 
( Uneasily. ) 
Well, zee necklace ees found, and eet ees returned. 
Eef zis man deny eet, pairhaps — (shrugs) — pair- 
haps my brozair have mek meestake. Who knows? 
What matter? Eet ees feenish. 



106 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Victor. 
(Following Lola's lead.) 
Bient Eet ees feenish. Eet ees best to forget. 
Meess Marie's money eet ees gone, but zee necklace 
ees found. Eet ees feenish. 

Boggs. 

Not by a jug full, it ain't. Set down, Count. 

We still got the mystery of how it come to be in 

Jimmie's pocket. T 

r Jane. 

Humph! You still insist that that is a mystery? 

Why, if you had human intelligence — (Boggs picks 

up ink well menacingly and she subsides). 

Boggs. 
Waal, folks, they is jest two people to be sus- 
pected — Jack an' the count. It was found on Jack. 
He got it off Jimmie. Where did Jimmie git it? 
From Jack, maybe. Only — he didn't. He got it off 
of the countess. (Snaps knife shut and puts it in 
his pocket.) 

What you say? From me? 

Jane. 

From the countess? 

Lola. 

Eet ees a lie ! _ 

Boggs. 

(Gesturing with stick.) 

Keerful, old gal. Chickens come hum to roost. 

Lola. 
How dare you to say — 

Boggs. 
I dare to say it, because I was behind the fortune 
tellin' tent, an' I seen you drop it into his pocket! 
Now who's a liar? (Takes out knife and resumes 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 107 

whittling. Lola and Victor sulk in silence that is a 
confession of their guilt. All others indicate amaze- 
ment.) 

} Mary. 

Jack! Will you forgive me? (Goes to Jack peni- 
tently and puts her hand in his.) 

Jane. 

Keep away from him! You are still engaged to 

the count ! ,, 

Victor. 

Oh, I mek no claim. Eet ees feenish! 

Boggs. 
( Philosophically. ) 
Funny what a difference just a few millions make. 

Jane. 

(Glaring at Mary.) 
It's all your fault ! You've brought all this trouble 
on us — you and your money. Before you came home 
with your fan-dangled ideas, we were as happy as 
could be. And you have brought us to — this ! I 
don't care what becomes of you ! 

Jack. 
I'm broke, Mary. So are you. But while I have 
two hands we needn't think seriously of the poor 
house. Aunt Jane loves us both the same way. 
What do you say? M 

It cost me three million dollars to get my free- 
dom (looks at Jane), but when freedom means — 
you (looking at him) — I think I got a bargain. 

Boggs. 
(To Lola and Victor.) 
Waal, nobility, what you goin' to do ? Come clean 
now, 'r take a nice long vacation in a stone house? 
Mary, do you want to prosecute 'em? 



108 MARY'S MILLIONS. 



Mary. 
I don't want anything but to see the last of them. 

Boggs. 
That's my idee. A big trial would be too expen- 
sive f'r sech fry. This is bargain day, an' things is 
goin' cheap. Waal, what do you say, you gold brick 
twins? Tell the truth, an' we'll leave you go. 

Lola. 
What else can we do? 

Boggs. 
Do you an' little Vickie confess to havin' stolen 
the necklace an' plantin' it on Jimmie? 

Lola. 
Eet was meestake. I sought eet was ze ozair man. 

Boggs. 

(Throwing a bunch of keys to Jack.) 

Take off the bracelets, Jack, an' kick 'em to'rds 

the deppo. I'll fetch their baggage down in the 

hack, afore train time. They can walk. They're 

lucky to git the chance. 

(Jack removes handcuffs from Victor.) 

Jimmie. 
(Who has been struggling with a problem.) 
But Boggs — if you saw it all from behind the tent, 
why didn't you say so before, and save a lot of 

trouble ? _, 

Boggs. 

I may be a rube constabule, Jimmie, but in my 

day I was the champeen poker player of Stony 

Holler. -^ 

Ezra. 

This ain't no poker game> Bije. 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 109 

BOGGS. 

Is that so ! Jimmie, when you got a bum hand, an' 

you got a hunch the other cuss is four-flushin', what 

do you do? T 

Jimmie. 

JhJOGGS. 

(Winking shrewdly.) 

You'd be surprised! 

Lola. 

( Who has been listening from near R. E.) 

He did not see me? 

Victor. 

Eet was a trick! t»^^ 

±)OGGS. 

(JLaughing.) 

The third degree, trimmed with hayseed. Waal, 

I got y'r confession, with plenty o' witnesses. Git 

out, both o' you crooks, before — 

(Victor and Lola start out hastily. Jimmie jumps 

to R. E. and stands in doorway.) 

Jimmie. 
First they'll kick in with that fifty thousand that 
they bunked out of dear Aunt Jane. 
(Victor looks helplessly at Lola, who thinks a 
moment, then draws up proudly.) 

Lola. 

As for zat, you have no weetnesses, no confession. 
Eef Madame say she give me anysing, I say eet ees 
mistake. She can prove nosing! We can play zis 
pokair game ourself. „ 

XJOGGS. 

(To Jane.) 
Ain't you got nothin' on 'em at all? (Jane shakes 
her head.) Gosh all hemlocks. Stung! 



HO MARY'S MILLIONS. 

Mary. 

I don't care. I have Jack. And good things are 

expensive. T 

r Lola. 

(TO JlMMIE.) 

Eet ees finish! Will you pairmit us to go? 

Jimmie. 
Those certificates that Mrs. Stoneham gave you 
are all numbered, Countess. And Mr. Stoneham has 
the numbers. Will you kick in now, or stick to your 
bluff and be nabbed in the city? Gee, some folks 
just naturally flirt with the penitentiary. 

Lola. 

Numbairs ? ■_ 

Jimmie. 

Every one of them. You try to cash them or 

turn them over and see what happens. No witnesses ? 

Why, they are the best witnesses in the world. As 

long as you keep them, you carry the evidence of 

your own fraud. Come on. (Holds out his hand.) 

You're stung. Kick in. Come clean! (Snaps his 

fingers impatiently.) 

(Lola looks at him desperately a moment. See- 
ing no chance for further evasion, she draws a large 
envelope from within her gown and thrusts it at him 

savagely.) 

s * J Jimmie. 

(Taking it.) 
Just a moment. I want to check up the gate re- 
ceipts. (Opens envelope flap and runs through con- 
tents with his finger.) All right. It's all here. 

Ezra. 
Hey, Jimmie. I didn't have the numbers o' them 
stifficates. How did you know what they was? 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 111 

JlMMIE. 

I didn't know. ~ 

Boggs. 

Then how did you — ? 

Jimmie. 

(Winking.) 

You'd be surprised! 

Boggs. 

(After a brief pause.) 

Oh, boy, I'd hate to play poker with you! 

Lola. 

Sweendled again ! T , 

• Victor. 

A thousand peegs ! ^ 

r & Boggs. 

Git out! If we deal another hand you may lose 

your plug hat. 

(Lola and Victor exeunt, in confusion, R. E.) 

Mrs. Mudge. 
Oh, dear. I'm afraid them burglars will steal my 
ouija board. They won't stop at anything. Ex- 
cuse me, folks. (Exit R. E.) 

Jimmie. 
Here's your settlement, Mary. (Hands the envel- 
ope to her.) It ought to come in kind of handy. 

Mary. 

Take care of it, Jack. It's such a nuisance. 

Jack. 
But Mary — I'm broke, and you're wealthy again. 
It would never do for you to marry me now — 

Mary. 

(Matter of fact.) 
If you're broke, you certainly can't afford to be 
sued for breach of promise, can you? (Smiles at 



112 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

him.) Take the mean old envelope, you silly boy. 
(Hands envelope to him.) 

Jane. 
What? You aren't going to throw your money 
away on that worthless — ? 

Boggs. 
(Pounding on desk.) 
Order ! Order ! _, 

1±,ZRA. 

(Suddenly getting his nerve.) 

Git out o' here, Jane ! I'm the boss o' this ranch, 

an' I don't care who knows it ! Leave her marry who 

she gosh-durn likes ! T 

& Jane. 

(Amazed.) 

^'^ EZKA. 

(Furiously.) 
You been makin' my life miserable f'r twenty year, 
but you're done! You go long, 'fore I lose my tem- 
per! 

Jane, frightened and amazed, exit L. E. 

Boggs. 
(In quiet surprise.) 
Ezry, what you been drinkin'? 

Ezra. 
(Winking at him.) 
You'd be surprised! (Exit masterfully L. E.) 

Jimmie. 
Well, if you're really going to take each other for 
better or worse, I may as well confess, Jack, you get 
not only Mary, but all of Mary's millions. 

Mary. 
But it's lost. 



MARY'S MILLIONS. 113 



JlMMIE. 

The company is, but the money isn't. I thought 
the concern was fishy, so I didn't make the transfer. 

Betty. 

He's saved it all for you, Mary. Isn't my Jimmie 

smart ? ■ , , 

Mary. 

Your Jimmie? Then you're engaged? 

Betty. 

We will be as soon as -he asks me. He's been 

anxious to, ever since Jack and I bluffed him with 

the trick engagement. 

Jimmie. 

(Disconsolately. ) 

I'm likely to ask you, with a record as a fake stock 

salesman. T 

Jack. 

But that Air Line didn't need to be a fake. It's 

a sound proposition. There's a big thing there, for 

the right man with capital — 

Mary. 

Why not, then? 

J Jack. 

What? (Seeing her meaning.) With your money? 

Never. ,- 

Mary. 

It's my money, isn't it? Well, then. We're going 

to start a real, honest-to-goodness company, and 

put that railroad through! (To Jack.) You're 

president. (To Jimmie.) You're treasurer. You're 

going to have some real stock to sell, young man. 

Jimmie. 
Mary, that's a wonderful hunch! 

Jack. 
It can be done, all right. 



114 MARY'S MILLIONS. 

JlMMIE. 

And we'll put it over. Now we'll work out the 

details ~ Mary. 

Oh, bother. Time enough for that after the 
honeymoon. ^ 

J BOGGS. 

Honeymoon? Come on, Eudory; Let's go over 

to the parsonage. {Takes her hand and they start 

out R. E.) T 

J Jack. 

Say, what are you folks going to do? 

Eudora. 
(Looking back and winking,) 
You'd be surprised! 

Boggs. 
(As he goes out the door with her.) 
Eudory, you do say the durndest things! 

Curtain. 



When Smith Stepped Out 

BY 

Harry Osborne 

A COMEDY, in 3 acts; 4 males, 4 females. Time, 
about 2 hours. Scene: 1 interior throughout. 

"Fate tried to conceal him by naming him Smith." 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

William Horace Smith Uncle Bill 

George Smith His Nephew 

Richard Keene A Detective 

Bob Stanley A Wooer 

Mrs. George Smith Nellie 

Muriel Armitage Her Younger Sister 

Miss Winslow A Spinster 

Hilda The Maid at the Smith's 

Did you ever stop to think how dangerous it is to 
carry a loaded revolver? Dear, old, absent-minded 
Uncle Bill Smith, from Australia on a visit, starts 
something difficult to finish when he steps out for 
his evening walk with a revolver in his pocket. He 
innocently robs a man of his watch, loses his hat, 
gives the detective a merry chase, almost sees the 
inside of a jail and just escapes the matrimonial 
clutches of a desperate spinster. He all but breaks 
up one peaceful home but starts another by getting 
a bashful lover to propose and in the end has everyone 
stepping about as lively as the kangaroo from his 
native Australia. It all happens quickly, laughingly, 
mysteriously and thrillingly. After two hours of fast 
fun the audience will discover that melancholy, indi- 
gestion and worries have all stepped out with the 
Sick detective who left just as the curtain dropped. 
No star part, but strong characterization through- 
out, easily within the range of amateurs. 

Professional stage rights reserved and a 
royalty of ten dollars required for amateur 
performance. Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents 

T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



Whose Little Bride Are You? 

BY 

Edith Ellis 

A FARCE Comedy, in 3 acts; 5 males, 5 females. 
Time, 2y 2 hours. Scene: 1 handsomely furnished 
living room. This play was written by the author 
of "Mary Jane's Pa" and other nation-wide successes. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 
Dr. Benjamin Bellows. A Sentimental Retired Physician 
Algernon Clawhammer. . .His Prospective Son-In-Law 

Augustus May His Butler 

Simeon Singleton , . His Old Friend 

George Tobin His Prospective Step-Son 

Florence Bellows His Charming Daughter 

Mrs. MacEckron His Neighbor 

Dolly MacEckron Her Daughter 

Maggie Brady The Maid 

Mrs. Amelia Tobin The Bride-To-Be 

At the beginning one potential bride is visible; be- 
fore the final curtain the woods, so to speak, are full 
of them. The brides range in assortment from the 
little flapper not yet out of her teens, to the seasoned 
200-pound campaigner who has worn the orange blos- 
soms no less than four times. Matrimonial pairing 
proceeds even to the butler and the housemaid. Mis- 
taken identity furnishes an unusual measure of com- 
plications until it actually becomes a problem as to 
which little bride is which, or who. Plot, situations 
and dialogue dovetail perfectly. The incidents are as 
humorous and rapid-fire as ever went into a play. It 
is especially adapted to amateurs, the parts being so 
vividly characterized and the action so continuous that 
the piece virtually carries itself. 

Professional stage rights reserved and a 
royalty of fifteen dollars required for amateur 
perforynance. Price, Per Copy, 50 Cents 



T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 






Plays for' Schools and Colleges 

THE HIGH SCHOOL FRESHMAN 

By Charles Ulrich. Comedy in 3 acts; 12 males. Time, 
2 hours. _^ Price, 25 Cents. 

THE KINGDOM OF HEART'S CONTENT 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 6 males, 12 fe- 
males. Time, 2y± hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

MACBETH A LA MODE 

By Walter Ben Hare. Burletta in 3 acts; 7 males, 7 
females. Time, 1*4 hours. Price, 25 Cents. 

MRS. TUBBS OF SHANTYTOWN 

By Walter Ben Hare. Comedy-drama in 3 acts; 4 
males, 7 females. Time, 2 1 / 4 hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

A POOR MARRIED MAN 

By Walter Ben Hare. Farce-comedy in 3 acts; 4 males, 
4 females. Time, 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

A PRAIRIE ROSE ~~ ~~ ~ " 

By Edith F. A. U. Palnton. Comedy-drama in 4 acts; 
7 males, 4 females. Time, 2*/ 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

THE REAL THING AFTER ALL 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 7 males, 9 fe- 
males. Time, 2y 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

RE-TAMING OF THE SHREW 

By John W. Postgate, Shakespearean travesty in 1 act; 
6 males, 5 females. Time, 45 minutes. Price, 25 Cents. 

RUTH IN A RUSH~ 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 3 acts; 5 males, 7 fe- 
males. Time, %y 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

SAVAGELAND " 

By Walter Ben Hare. Musical comedy in 2 acts; 5 
males, 5 females. Time, 2% hours. Price, 75 Cents. 

SING A SONG OF SENIORS 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedietta; 7 females. Time, 30 
minutes. Price, 25 Cents. 

STAR BRIGHT 

By Edith F. A. U. Painton. Comedy-drama in 3 acts; 
6 males, 5 females. Time, 2y 2 hours. Price, 35 Cents. 

ZARAGUETA OR MONEY TALKS 

Translated from the Spanish by Clarence Stratton. 

Comedy in 2 acts; 7 males, 4 females. Time, 2 hours. 

Price, 35 Cents. 

T. S. DenisoQ & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



I— 8*0 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

Mllllllll 

015 973 810 3 



Standard and Amateur Plays 

■r Our list of plays comprises hundreds of 
titles; dramas, comedies, farces, vaudeville 
sketches, monologues, entertainments, etc. 
All shades of sentiment are represented, all 
varieties of talent, number of characters and 
time required in presentation are provided 
for in this list. 



Popular Entertainment Books 

Under this heading are found books 
touching every feature in the entertainment 
field, Dialogues, for all ages, Speakers, 
Recitations, Monologues, Drills, Entertain- 
ments, suitable for all occasions, Jokes, Min- 
strels, Hand Books, etc. Over sixty titles. 
These books are not filled with old ma- 
terial, rehashed and simply made to sell ; 
they are fresh and original matter, each- 
written by a specialist in his given line. The 
books are finely made, clear print, good pa- 
per and each has a most attractive, indi- 
vidual cover design. One of the best and 
most complete entertainment series pub- 
lished. Paper Binding Only, 

Send for Complete Descriptive Catalogue 

LS*Denison& Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street CHICAGO 



